


Stories To Tell

by momentsintimex



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Childhood Memories, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Notes, deals with what connor left for them after his death, friendships, ooc mostly because connor most likely would not have done anything like this, scavenger hunt, sibling relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-03-31 19:05:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13981407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsintimex/pseuds/momentsintimex
Summary: Maybe Connor left this for them so they’d be forced out of their comfort zones. Forced to interact, to remember things that they did with him that were good times. Maybe that was what Connor wanted — for the two of them to realize that they had each other, they didn’t have to grieve or go through this all alone now that he was gone. Now that he wasn’t ruining their lives like he thought he was.Maybe this was Connor’s way of saying he was sorry to his best friend who didn’t get a goodbye, but also to his sister, who he hadn’t gotten along with in years and maybe regretted that.And so Evan thinks he can do this. If not for himself, for Connor. As a thank you.—Connor Murphy kills himself on the first day of senior year. He leaves behind a map with five places circled, along with a series of letters for both Zoe and Evan to go through together.A scavenger hunt in the wake of his death. Where both are grieving and unsure how to feel.(inspired by All The Bright Places and Since You’ve Been Gone)





	1. When I'm Gone

**Author's Note:**

> title of the fic is from Stories To Tell by Dave Barnes.
> 
> title of chapter is from When I'm Gone by Anna Kendrick from Pitch Perfect
> 
> \--
> 
> “To die will be an awfully big adventure.” - Peter Pan

Zoe stares at the map laying on her bed for what feels like the millionth time that day, trying to will herself to open it.

Normally she’d just throw it out, disregard it and wonder why they even had a map in their house when GPS had been a thing for like, years. But. When they went to toss it in the process of cleaning out parts of Connor’s room after his death, they noticed in the top corner of the map was Connor’s handwriting.

_Evan and Zoe._

Zoe thought it was just some sort of hoax at first, some sort of message that she would never understand. Connor and Evan had been friends for years, Zoe always thought maybe they had dated, but. She had never been all that close to Evan, other than the normal friendly gestures between the two of them when he would be at their house or in the hallways at school.

Now she stands in her room pacing, waiting for Evan to respond to her text or to show up at her house because she found something for the two of them, praying that he understands what the map is supposed to mean or why Connor would’ve written their names on it.

“Y-your mom said you were in your room,” Evan says, his voice startling Zoe. “S-sorry, I should’ve knocked on the doorframe or something.”

“’s okay,” She mumbles. “My texts probably freaked you out, right? I realized that like right after I sent them but before I could apologize or explain you were answering me. So I totally freaked you out, right?” She asks.

Evan shrugs. “I-I don’t really think it gets any worse than Connor dying.”

Zoe cringes. But nods anyway. “True,” She mumbles. And lets the silence fall between the two of them.

“So, my parents were told by the grief counselor that we should like, start going through Connor’s room, cleaning it out a little bit, going through his things,” Zoe begins. “And I didn’t really want to help, but they were going through his shelves or something and found this map. And I thought it was insane that Connor of all people would have this old map when he didn’t go anywhere, but then in the corner my mom noticed that he had written our names.” She points to her bed, where Evan takes slow steps towards it and looks at Connor’s handwriting.

“Did he um, leave an explanation?”

Zoe shakes her head. “I haven’t opened the map either. I was kind of hoping you would know what this means?”

Evan sighs. “I-I don’t,” He mumbles. Zoe deflates. “Should we um, should we open it?”

Zoe nods, moving to stand next to Evan at the edge of her bed. She’s the one who reaches for it, shaky hands and all as she unfolds it, an envelope falling onto her mattress. When she manages to unfold the whole map and lay it out flat, the two of them noticed five circles randomly on the map, numbers for each of them.

“Wait… this is our town on the map,” Zoe realizes after a moment. Which only makes her more confused.

“It is,” Evan nods, reaching under for the envelope. “And he um, he folded this into it?” He says, carefully opening it as the two of them sit down on the bed.

There’s a lot of things that Zoe knew would change when Connor died. Their family dynamics, how they moved on, how she just… dealt with the fact that her brother wasn’t a good person, but she also loved him and missed him more than she thought she would.

Sitting on her bed reading a note from her dead brother with his best friend was not a situation she saw herself getting into.

“He’s always had awful handwriting,” Zoe mumbles. Evan laughs.

He holds the note out further for the two of them to read, both taking their time to comb through his words.

_Evan and Zoe,_

_When you find this, I’ll already be gone. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out, but in my heart I know it’s for the best._

_On the map there are five circles with numbers that I put there. Each place is somewhere that holds a memory for us. I think you’ll like it at all the places, but I want you two to go together. To discover them using only the map._

_In my room in the nightstand there are five more letters. Only open them when you’re at the next place. There are certain things I left behind at each place. I think it’ll be worth the wait._

_The first stop’s clue is up where we used to think we were on top of the world. Where we used to play crazy games and make up the best stories when we were little. I hope you remember it the way that I do._

_This is my way of saying I’m sorry for making both of your lives difficult and not listening to either of you. I hope you can forgive me._

_Your brother and friend,_

_Connor._

Zoe finishes reading before Evan, waiting until he looks at her before she says anything. “I… don’t really know what to say,” She smiles. Evan nods. “I think we should probably do this, right? Like he left us something to do, and we should probably see what he wanted us to see, right?” She asks.

“I… I think so,” Evan agrees.

Zoe waits a minute, pausing as she looks at Evan before standing up, leading him into Connor’s room.

Evan feels the air suck out of him being back in Connor’s room. The bed is made now, things are more put together than Connor ever had them, but. It smells like Connor, and feels exactly how he remembered it when he spent so many nights there, and he just. Has a lot of memories of the person Connor used to be and the friend he used to have.

They fish through his nightstand, under the deck of cards and the journal that Connor wrote in every day, finding five more envelopes. Zoe holds them in her hands. “These are them, I guess. They’re numbered,” She says, showing Evan as she thumbs through them.

Evan nods, walking back to Zoe’s room and grabbing the map. “Since they’re um, they’re all in our town. We could probably go to one place tonight. If you’re um, if you’re not doing anything.”

Zoe smiles. “I mean, I did have like loose plans with friends, but. This seems to be much more fun than whatever it is they wanted to do. I’ll get my shoes and we can go? I’ll drive. I think you’d be better at reading the map,” She says, and Evan laughs at that, nodding when she grabs her purse off her desk chair.

The first 10 minute of the car ride are awkward to say the least. Zoe feels like maybe she should say something, but then again she doesn’t know what to say to the boy she’s pretty sure her brother was dating when he died. She just… feels like everything she say will make things worse and she really doesn’t know how long she’s going to be driving.

Evan’s been reading the map, following the streets in order to figure out where Connor had circled. “I um, I think it’s a school?” Evan finally says when one song ends, bringing the map closer to his face and looking at the landmark.

Zoe’s confused, naturally, waiting until they’re stopped at a light before she looks over at Evan’s lap, trying desperately to help Evan out with figuring out the map. “Why couldn’t he have just like, left coordinates or something,” She mumbles, groaning when the light turns green and she has to look away. “He never even liked maps, did he? This is definitely just his way of being annoying from the grave. Like a death annoyance,” She mumbles. It doesn’t come out right, and mostly just makes her feel awkward.

“He um, he didn’t hate maps I don’t think,” Evan speaks up after a moment. Zoe smiles. “H-He used to talk about adventures when you were um, when you guys were little.”

Zoe pauses, thinking back to when the two of them were younger and they’d go on scavenger hunts in the woods behind their house. “Yeah, we did,” She mumbles sadly. Tries not to cry thinking about how good those times were. “He used to tell you about how we did scavenger hunts in the woods behind our house?”

Evan smiles, nodding. “He um, he made it sound like h-he loved them. He… he always said how much um, how much fun they were? And how you guys would… you’d be out there forever.”

Zoe laughs, stopping at another light and looking over at Evan. “We were, yeah. God, we’d be out there for hours. He’d hide things, and then I’d hide things, and we just.” She pauses, swallowing the lump in her throat. “It was when we got along the best.”

Evan nods, smiling at Zoe before turning back to the map, quickly realizing that they weren’t just out for some weird drive. “Do you um, do you think maybe it’s um… it’s the elementary school?” He asks after a moment, and Zoe comes to a stop at another light, looking at the map better.

It’s hard to read, mostly because it’s so old that Zoe wonders where he even found it. But as she looks closer while Evan watches the traffic in front of them waiting for the light to go green, she realizes he might be right. “It kind of looks like the school we all went to. Don’t you think?” She asks, Evan nodding as he sets the map back down in his lap, watching as Zoe continues to drive towards the elementary school where they all met.

Zoe pulls into the parking lot and finds a spot closest to the playground, where a few families had brought their kids to soak up the last of the warm weather before Winter arrives. Evan briefly wonders if whatever Connor left would still be here, like maybe these kids who were there had found it and brought it to their parents before they could’ve gotten there.

Zoe shuts off the car, pausing as she pulls the letter from the side of the door, where she had stored it. “He said what he left here is where we thought we were on top of the world,” She mumbles, reading it over and over as if it’s supposed to make sense. The letter falls to her lap, and she looks over at Evan. “Do you know what this means? Like does this place have any sort of meaning for the two of you?”

Evan thinks about it for a moment, then shakes his head. “I-I don’t think so,” He concedes. Zoe falls flat. “We um, we met here. You know that. But uh, he hasn’t um, he hasn’t talked about here in a while.”

Zoe nods, pulling her key from the ignition and looking over at Evan. “Well, maybe if we walk to the playground or whatever one of us will realize what the hell he means,” She says. And tries to smile.

Evan nods, following suit and hopping out of the car, the two of them walking towards the back of the school where a few families were still playing.

Zoe suddenly feels wildly out of place, like they probably shouldn’t have done this now when families were still there and would probably think they were insane.

Evan doesn’t say anything, and so the two of them continue walking to the edge of the blacktop where the mulch begins and a few kids are running around, the pair staring up at the playground as if they’re 4 years old and terrified of going on in case they got hurt.

“Does any of this ring a bell?” She asks, and Evan looks back at her, shaking his head. Zoe sighs. “Shit.”

“S-sorry," Evan mumbles, as if this is his fault that they can’t figure out what Connor means.

Zoe shakes her head. “It’s not your fault, you know,” She says quietly. “It’s just… frustrating. Because Connor didn’t leave anything but these fucking notes and we… we can’t _ask_ him. He’s _dead_.”

Evan flinches. Zoe apologizes quietly.

They stand at the edge of the blacktop staring, and Evan is wildly aware of the fact that the parents there are beginning to look at them weirdly like they’re up to something, but then Zoe gasps. And looks back at Evan.

“See that yellow roof on top of the playground?” She asks, pointing to the top of the playground. “When we were like, 7 and 6 and our mom wasn’t looking, the two of us would climb up there and sit and watch all the kids around us. Connor used to say we were like superheroes up there, and he’d pretend like he could fly until our mom noticed and yelled at us to get down. We did it millions of times, but one time he fell back onto the playground from the roof and sprained his ankle and our mom basically said one more time up there and she wouldn’t let us come to the playground before dinner anymore.”

Evan shifts his attention back to Zoe. “I-is that why he um, he was on crutches in third grade?” Zoe nods. “H-he told me he sprained it playing soccer.”

Zoe laughs at that. A real laugh, a smile spreading across her face as her head falls backward. It’s only when she looks back up that Evan realizes she’s also crying.

“He was pretty embarrassed he slid off the roof and it wasn’t like, some major incident that had him injured. But. You know how clumsy he was,” She smiles.

Evan nods, returning the gesture as he thinks back to the countless injuries Connor received when he was little just sheerly by being clumsy. Evan remembers many times where his mom would have to bandage Connor up because of a silly injury, Cynthia often running to Heidi before the doctor just to make sure she wasn’t overreacting.

Evan and Zoe wait until the families had begun their journey back to the car before they climb the play equipment that now makes them feel like giants, making their way to the top that doesn’t seem all that high now.

Evan opts to stay back on the play equipment while Zoe carefully and skillfully climbed up to the roof of the play equipment, situating herself so she could sit the right way. “This was a lot bigger when we were little,” She smiles, peering over the edge to look back down at Evan. Evan smiles, but his anxiety is through the roof and he’s worried that Zoe is going to like, slip off and he’s going to have to be the one to tell her parents that she’s laying on the playground injured when they’re still grieving over Connor, and. So he just smiles.

Zoe turns back to look at the roof, gasping when she notices what she’s supposed to have been looking at the same time. “Oh my god…” She trails off, and for a split second Evan thinks about climbing up to see what was up there. “He fucking etched SZ and IC into the plastic of this playground,” She laughs. Evan can hear her pulling out her phone and snapping a photo before she slides down, standing in front of Evan once more.

Her makeup is smudged around her eyes, and she’s crying as she pulls her phone back out and shows Evan the photo. “What um, what do those initials mean though?” Evan asks as he studies the photo, the faded yellow roof of the playground clearly etched out with the two initials.

Zoe smiles. “When we were little we made up superhero nicknames for when we were up there. I was Super Zoe, obviously, and he made his Iron Connor,” She pauses, laughing. “Not that my name was great, but his was the worst name ever. Remember when he went through the phase of being obsessed with Iron Man? He refused to accept any other name my parents or I would come up with for his superhero name.”

Evan laughs. “H-he loved Iron Man. Wasn’t his um, wasn’t his birthday party that like three years in a row?”

Zoe nods. “He loved Spider-Man too, but we all know he was too clumsy to be hanging off of things,” She laughs.

The two of them linger on the playground for a moment before making their way back down, and when Zoe ends up taking the slide down Evan laughs, following suit. “Maybe he sent us here so we could act like we were little again,” She mumbles when they’re back at the car.

Evan only nods. He doesn’t know what else to say.

They sit in the parking lot for a minute, and Zoe stares at the picture that she took until her phone locks itself and the phone turns black. “I-I have the next letter,” Evan says, breaking the silence as Zoe looks over at him, nodding.

He offers it to her for her to read, and Zoe takes it, shaky hands opening it and fumbling with the paper as she unfolds it.

_Hey,_

_I don’t really know how to start these letters because they’re kind of awkward, right? Like I’m sure you didn’t expect to get these when you found the stuff in my room._

_I hope you liked what I sent you to this time. I figured that playground deserved a constant memory of our superhero adventures, Zoe. It’s been years since we’ve been that close or had those kind of adventures, but when I think about some of the things that made me happy in my life, those superhero adventures were definitely some of the best times._

_You can do this scavenger hunt as fast or as slow as you want. But please do it together. At one point in time the two of you were the closest people to me, and I want this to be my wish for when I’m dead. For you two to share these memories together._

_The next place I’m sending you is my favorite place in the world. I spent hours here, even when I should’ve been home. I loved finding all kinds of things there to bring home and read about._

_Inside my favorite thing in this place you will find a little note. Don’t worry… I didn’t like, deface anything. I just made it a little better._

_Talk to you next letter I guess. Hope you two don’t hate me yet._

_Connor._

Zoe finishes reading it, handing it back to Evan so he could skim it over in case he missed anything from when she read it out loud, watching as he looks up at her. “I-I think I have an idea,” He says, which. Zoe wasn’t really expecting.

She glances at the clock in her car, sighing. “It’s getting kind of late now, and as much fun as this is, do you think we should wait? Maybe continue this next time we both have some time?” She offers, and Evan immediately agrees.

He feels kind of overwhelmed at the thought of all of this anyway, so. He figures maybe at least one good night’s rest will give him more guidance over whatever this was that Connor had left for the two of them.

And it also gives him a chance to talk to his mom, figure all of this out with her and ask her if she has any guidance. He knows she probably doesn’t. But. He just needs to ask because right now he feels so lost about all of this.

So he sits back in the passenger seat and folds the map back up to rest on his lap, humming along to the music on the radio while Zoe drives him home. It’s not awkward, and in some odd way despite not really saying all that much Evan feels like he knows Zoe a little better. Like it’s not nearly as bad as he thought it was going to be when he thought about going on this adventure with his best friend’s sister who he hadn’t really talked to all that much since they were little.

She pulls into his driveway, smiling as he sets the map on the seat when he steps out. “You um, you can text me if you want? When you… when you have time to do this again.”

Zoe nods, smiling. “It won’t be long, I promise. Connor was an ass and we didn’t get along, but this little scavenger hunt is so intriguing that I want to keep going,” She smiles, and Evan nods, saying goodbye quietly.

He’s grateful when he walks in and sees that his mom isn’t home from work yet, giving him a minute to compose his thoughts and figure out how he’s going to explain to his mom that his dead best friend left a scavenger hunt for him and Zoe.

—

When Zoe thought about what dinners would be like without Connor, she had pictured a lot less awkwardness. Like maybe they’d have normal conversations about her schoolwork or jazz band, and they wouldn’t awkwardly stare at each other like they were three strangers who had never met before.

“So, Zoe, you were gone for a few hours today after school. Were you with Evan?” Cynthia asks. It feels forced, like she maybe should ask where her daughter was considering when she left she and Evan had practically run out the door without saying much about where they were going, and if she would’ve just listened to Connor or kept a better eye on him they wouldn’t be here in this predicament.

She swallows her bite of food before looking between her parents, sighing. “Yeah,” She mumbles, and then figures she should elaborate. “Do you remember the map we found in Connor’s room? The one that had mine and Evan’s name on it?”

Cynthia and Larry share a glance, and then both nod for Zoe to go on. “Well, Evan and I unfolded it and there was an envelope inside from Connor. He um, he left a scavenger hunt for the two of us? He circled five places in our town for us to go to, and each has an envelope and he left some little thing at each place for us to find to know what he left. I don’t know, it’s kind of weird but Evan and I are intrigued I guess.”

“So, he left you guys little notes with places to go?” Larry asks, slowly and calculated like he was going to be mad about it. Which Zoe doesn’t understand. It’s not like he can go and punish Connor now.

She nods anyway, pushing her peas around her plate before forcing herself to take another bite.

“So you and Evan, you’re doing this together?”

Zoe nods again. “It’s what Connor wants us to do. He doesn’t want us to do it alone, so. We went to the first place today, and I guess whenever we have time we’ll work through all the places he circled. We’re kind of going one at a time though, not looking ahead or anything.”

The room falls silent again. Larry grabs his wine glass, takes a sip. And sets it back onto the table a little harder than he intended.

“Well, I think it’s nice that you and Evan are doing it together. I know it’s been hard losing your brother, but it’s nice that you have this from him, and you’re able to do it with Evan,” Cynthia speaks up. Trying to smile at her.

Zoe nods, but can’t find the words to say anything else. Instead she just finishes her dinner and tries to think of how losing her brother and having this as a goodbye piece is a good thing when they didn’t leave on good terms.

—

It’s not that Evan being quiet at dinner is unusual, but when Heidi stares at her son while they’re eating takeout after a long day at work, she can tell this is a different kind of quiet.

Like maybe he has a lot on his mind that he doesn’t want to share, because he’s always worried about her being busy and not wanting to make her life any more stressful than it already is being a single parent.

Since Connor had passed away, Heidi had spent most of her nights worrying. She had been close with the Murphy’s for years, and while Connor hadn’t had the best teenage years and they had been worried about his mental health in some capacity, it’s safe to say that Cynthia hadn’t seen this coming. That this wasn’t something that they had ever been worried about.

It made Heidi wonder if she should be worried about Evan’s mental health more than she already was.

“How was school today?” Heidi asks. Evan’s head snaps up to look at her. “Did you learn anything interesting?”

Idle conversation had never been a strong point for Evan. Especially like this. But. He shrugs anyway, reaching for his water. “Not um… not really? I don’t know we… we didn’t really learn much,” He shrugs. “I-I worked on a letter for Dr. Sherman in study hall.”

Heidi lights up at that. “Hey, Evan, that is really good! He’ll be happy to know you wrote at least one,” She smiles, tries to encourage him. Evan doesn’t take the bait, but. He nods, and that alone feels like a victory.

They fall back into a comfortable silence, one that Heidi feels like she should fill but she doesn’t know what to say.

“I um, I went to the Murphy’s today,” Evan says, breaking the silence. “Z-Zoe texted me that they uh, they found something in Connor’s room for m-me and her.”

“Oh?” Heidi says, clearly lost. She has a million questions but doesn’t know where to begin, and she worries that anything she says may not be the right thing. “What was it? Was it from Connor or just something that they thought he would want the two of you to see?”

“I-It was a map?” Evan says, taking a sip of water. “He um, he left this map. A-and letters. Like um, like a scavenger hunt? F-for me and Zoe to do together.” He pauses. “Zoe has the notes but… I could like ask her for one? Show you?”

Heidi smiles at that. “That seems cool. Awful considering the circumstances, but… nice for you and Zoe to have something from Connor to do together. This has been… this has been really difficult.”

Evan nods. “I-I just hope we get some answers.”

Heidi reaches over, resting his hand on top of his. “I think you will, sweetheart,” She smiles, and for once Evan believes her words. “I think this is going to be the closure the two of you need.”


	2. I just need a little time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.” - Jorge Luis Borges

Three days pass by without Evan hearing anything from Zoe, which. He should’ve really been expecting. By all accounts in his mind Zoe was popular, she had friends and a social life that Evan just… didn’t, and he couldn’t expect her to just drop all of that so they could do this scavenger hunt together to find out more answers and see if there was some big moment for the two of them from Connor.

Teacher inservice days were often an excuse for Evan not to set an alarm and lay in bed for as long as humanly possible with his mom at work, but today he’s startled awake by his phone vibrating on the bed next to him. Once. And then two more times.

He thinks about leaving them for a while, not answering until he felt it was a more acceptable time and he was willing to commit to whatever it was. If it was that important and it was his mom she would just call, otherwise everyone else could wait until the sun was a little brighter and he didn’t feel like he would die just by sitting up.

But curiosity gets the best of him, and so reluctantly he reaches over, clicking his phone so the texts light up again.

All three are from Zoe.

_Hey… so since we have the day off I figured maybe we could go on the second adventure? Only if you’re free though… like if you have plans don’t cancel them just to do this. It can wait we don’t have to do them all this week or that quickly or whatever._

_I just figured maybe because it’s going to be nice out it might be a good day. Who the hell knows where we’re going this time… Connor is really weird._

_Fuck I just realized it’s only 8:20. I don’t sleep in that much anymore after all this so hopefully this didn’t wake you up!_

Evan rubs his eyes, desperately trying to push the sleep away and force himself to like, be alert at way too early on a day off from school. He reads through the texts again, sighs. And tries to form a text back that seems somewhat coherent.

**Today is fine. I don’t have any plans today anyway, so whenever you’re ready. I just need to get up and eat something and then we can go? Or whenever you’re free it really doesn’t matter like this is totally up to you you’re the one who’d be busier than me.**

**Sorry. That sounded weird. You can just let me know when you want to go?**

Evan sets his phone back down on the mattress, kicking the blankets off and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He’s exhausted, truthfully, and wants nothing more than to just forget Connor had left this adventure for the two of them for a while in favor of falling back to sleep. But. This had been one of those things that Connor specifically wanted them to do, and when he died and didn’t leave much of anything, it left Evan intrigued.

His phone vibrates once more, and maybe a little too quickly he reaches for it, reading Zoe’s message quickly.

_You’re fine :) I’ll pick you up in an hour?_

He sends a quick text back, forcing himself out of bed and into the shower before he can overthink even the simplest of things, like spending his day off with Zoe Murphy while they go on this scavenger hunt that her dead brother left for the two of them.

He forces himself to eat breakfast, mostly because he doesn’t know how long he’s going to be and he doesn’t want to like, ask Zoe to stop for food or something. Sure, they had known each other since they were little, but. They weren’t friends. They were more… acquaintances. Civil, definitely, but not friends that would hang out or spend time together other than when Evan would spend nights at the Murphy’s when they were younger. Before Connor changed.

Zoe arrives almost exactly an hour later, Evan grabbing his phone off the counter and walking out the front door, remembering to lock it behind him. He hates that he’s nervous, feeling like maybe they shouldn’t be doing this or there should be something else they should do at first, but. He knows this is fine, there isn’t anything wrong with what they’re doing and hopefully it’s going to bring them answers or closure or… something.

Zoe smiles as he slides himself into the passenger seat, moving so the map and second note were resting on his lap. She stays in his driveway for a moment while he fumbles to open the map, staring back at the number two that Connor had circled. “I really have no idea where we’re going this time, not that I did the other day, either,” Zoe mumbles, leaning across the center console to look at the map with Evan.

Evan studies it for a moment, trying to take in the surroundings around the map to figure out what exactly Connor had circled. He then opens the note, skimming it again and trying to figure out what exactly the clue meant to see if it would help him at all.

“H-he says this is his favorite place in the world,” Evan says, holding the note out for Zoe to take. “I-I think maybe it’s the library?”

Zoe furrows her eyebrows, glancing between the map and the note for a moment. “Maybe? Did he like, spend a lot of time there or something?” She asks. And then laughs. “God, you probably think I’m ridiculous. He was my brother and I don’t even know where his favorite place was or what he liked to do in his free time,” She says.

Evan shrugs. “I um, I know things weren’t great? Like you guys… you weren’t like um, like you used to be when you were little,” He says. And then hopes he didn’t say something that would upset her and ruin the rest of the day or this adventure.

Zoe just smiles, shaking her head. “No, we weren’t. But you’d think I’d still know at least that,” She sighs. “I just… the only thing I knew for sure was that he liked hanging out with you and he liked getting high. I really don’t know much of anything.”

Evan nods, letting the music from the radio be the only sound in the car. Zoe sighs, sets the letter back down in Evan’s lap after checking the map once more, and then shifts the car into reverse, making her way back out onto the roads.

“Judging by the map and the fact that you say he loved the library, I think we should try there. We can figure out what his favorite thing is when we get there I guess,” She shrugs, stopping at a light. “Did he take you to the library at all?” She asks.

Evan shrugs. “A few times. B-but only to work on school stuff? Not like… not for fun.”

Zoe nods. Turns the music up a little louder, and continues to drive across town towards the library.

“I’m sorry for taking a few days to text you or to go onto the next adventure he left for us,” She says after a moment. “I just… things haven’t been all that great at home since Connor died. And although this is really interesting and I’m really intrigued as to why he’s doing this and went through this effort when he hated me at least and didn’t really love the world, I couldn’t think about doing this and constantly having Connor on my mind even more than he already is when I’m at home.”

Evan nods, and he understands that, really. Thinking about Connor brings up a lot of emotions for him as well. Emotions that he isn’t really sure he knows how to deal with, that his therapy sessions have been consumed by. Getting by isn’t easy for him, either, because although Connor wasn’t his brother, he was his best friend.

And sometimes his heart aches so much that he didn’t do anything to help his best friend that he wonders if he’s going to die as well.

He’s fairly sure a piece of him died with Connor that night.

“W-we can take as long as you need for this,” Evan says quickly. “I-I’m not in a rush. I don’t want… I don’t want this to be painful for either one of us.” He pauses. “I don’t think… I don’t think Connor would want that either.”

Zoe nods, agreeing with him quietly as she drives through the busy roads, looking over at him at the next light. “Thanks,” She mumbles. “You know, my friends try to be sympathetic and understand that even though Connor sucks and he and I didn’t get along, I still miss him. But I think you get it more than all of them. Which is understandable, because I’m pretty sure you were the only one that Connor could stand.”

Evan raises his eyebrows at that, and Zoe laughs. “He liked you a lot, Evan. Like I know he was awful the last few years and I’m sure he wasn’t great with you, but. He really liked having you as a friend,” She smiles. “Thank you for never abandoning him or turning the way that I did towards him. He deserved someone like you in his life since my family wasn’t great for him.”

Evan nods, unsure of what to say to that. Because in so many ways he didn’t think he was a good friend. He didn’t listen enough, didn’t help him. Didn’t tell someone when he thought Connor was changing and could use someone to talk to. But maybe none of that mattered anymore.

He’s spent the last few weeks wrestling with his own mind on if there was something he could do to stop all of this. Dr. Sherman had insisted that there was nothing, that sometimes people in need of saving couldn’t get the help that they needed in time, but that it wasn’t Evan’s fault.

Most of the time he didn’t believe that. But now… now maybe he thinks that Connor having him as a friend was all he could’ve done, and nothing more would’ve stopped this.

He tries not to think about it anymore than he already has. Tries not to overanalyze everything Zoe had just told him.

Zoe pulls into the library parking lot and finds a spot in the back corner, shutting the car off. “Okay, well, I guess we’ll figure out what his favorite thing is in here when we go inside,” She shrugs. Evan agrees, and follows her out of the car and into the library.

It’s not too crowded, mostly filled with some college kids working on projects and a children’s story time over in the children’s corner. Zoe’s always felt awkward in libraries, and judging by the way Evan is acting, it seems like he doesn’t love them either.

“I um, I just think they’re too quiet?” Evan whispers, following Zoe through the rows of books. “Like um, like if I’m too loud they’ll yell at me or something.”

Zoe nods, sighing. “Okay, well we won’t stay long then,” She promises, but. He also knows that it’s not really up to her. It’s up to whenever they figure out this clue he left them.

Zoe hated that Connor had done this. She figures he knows that Evan hates libraries, so why would he not just be straightforward as to what they were supposed to be finding? But while she’s thinking about how she would yell at Connor if he was alive, Evan seems to have thought of something that could be the right thing.

“He um… he’s had this book on his nightstand?” Evan whispers. “ _The Little Prince_. I used to… used to ask him about it. Maybe that’s it?” He offers, and immediately Zoe nods, pulling out her phone and finding the author so they could look him up to find the book.

It takes them a few minutes to even find the right aisle, and even longer to find the book. Libraries are mostly outdated, hard to find things when you don’t spend time in them anymore, but eventually they find the book and Zoe is pulling it off the shelf, opening up the front cover as a little note falls out and onto the old hardwood in the back corner of the library where they now found themselves.

Evan bends down and picks it up, holding it in his shaking hands as he reads through it, Zoe reading over his shoulder.

_You found the book! Congrats._

_Evan, check this out and read it._

_CM_

Zoe looks back at Evan, smiling softly when she looks at him. “Okay, well do you want to check this out then and then we’ll go back to the car and read the next letter he left for us?” She asks, and immediately Evan nods, taking the book from Zoe’s hands and walking back up to the front desk.

He pulls the library card he hasn’t used in years from his wallet, checking out the book and thanking the older woman as he pulls it back. And then practically runs through the doors and back outside where he feels like he can breathe evenly again. He wants to yell or something. Get everything out that he had to suppress in there. And then never set foot in there again for a long time, unless it was like a life or death situation.

“You good?” Zoe asks, which startles Evan in itself, making him nod quickly as he follows her back to the car with the slight feeling that his legs are going to give out underneath him.

Zoe seems uneasy, like maybe Evan is lying about all of this and he didn’t really feel okay. She thinks about asking if he wants a break before they open the letter, but Evan’s the one who pulls the next letter from the pile of letters they had left on the floor, opening it and reading it before she even has a chance to say anything.

_So, you’ve gone to destination two on your adventure together._

_I should probably apologize to you, Evan, for making you go to the library. Hopefully it didn’t take you too long to remember that this was my favorite book. You used to ask me about it all the time, why I loved it so much, why I reread it so many times when there were so many other books that I also liked to read. I probably should’ve let you borrow it, but I never did and that was like awful of me._

_Some of my favorite memories growing up with you as my best friend were the times that you understood that I just needed to read sometimes to feel better. You never questioned it. You would just pick up a book and read with me, which was really nice of you. Definitely not something most people would’ve done. But then again, I don’t think many people would’ve stayed friends with me when I became awful._

_When you read this book, I think you’ll understand why I loved it so much. Why it was so close to me and why I made it such a thing to reread through any situation in my life. I think you’ll like it too._

_Your next adventure takes you guys to a place where we spent a lot of our childhood. Mostly me and you, Zoe, but Evan you came with us a few times. There’s a place there in an area that you’ll find a little mark that I left for you guys on the first thing on the right. I think it’ll all make sense when you get there. At least I hope._

_Connor._

Evan takes a deep breath as he reads through the letter and then hands it over to Zoe to read, sitting quietly. There’s a million thoughts running through his mind, but none of them make sense and he spends most of his time wondering what he’s supposed to do with the fact that this book is sitting in his lap waiting to be read by the request of his dead best friend, and they still have a few more destinations on their adventure before they have answers, if they even get any.

“Should we hold off on the next place he’s sending us to?” Zoe asks, looking over at Evan as she hands the note back. “I just… we don’t really know where these places are, and as much as I want to find them all out, I also don’t want to rush through them. I don’t know, I don’t think any of this really makes sense.”

Evan nods quickly, subconsciously pulling at his shirt as he sets the notes back on top of the map he had just managed to fold again. “Y-yeah, it’s probably better to um, to space them out? Like he wouldn’t… he wouldn’t want us to um, to rush through them.”

Zoe nods, turning her car back on and pulling out of the library without saying anything else. She figures maybe she should just take Evan home, it’s getting to be close to lunch by now and she still told her friends she would hang out with them. “I won’t let this much time pass again. I really do want to see where he’s sending us, but if you’re ever free and I’m not asking you about going on an adventure you can always text me.”

Evan nods, but has no intentions on actually following through with that. He just… doesn’t want to impose or make her feel like she has to drop what she’s doing just because he’s free. Which. He’s always free, he thinks she’s the one who should dictate when they do all of this. He just doesn’t know how to tell her that.

The drive back to Evan’s house seems shorter than it did when they first started out on their adventure, and he looks up and notices that they’re parked in his driveway and Zoe is glancing at her phone.

“Um, do you… do you care if I take the letter from today to show my mom?” Evan asks, quickly shaking his head. “I-I told her about… about this. And she um, she wants to see?”

Zoe looks up from her phone, smiling as she shakes her head. “Of course not, no. You can show her the one from today or the one from the other day if you want, it doesn’t matter. She’ll probably be just as confused as we are, but at least it’s worth a shot,” She smiles.

Evan nods, taking the two letters in his hand as he reaches around to unbuckle his seatbelt. “Connor really loved your mom,” Zoe speaks up, and Evan’s head snaps up to look at her. “That sounds weird, I know. But sometimes when I’d actually listen to him fighting with my parents he would scream that she treated you like a normal kid and she got you help when you asked for it or when she thought you needed it, and. I don’t know. He just really liked your mom and appreciated her.”

Zoe bites her lip, immediately regretting everything that she had said in that moment. But Evan smiles, says something under his breath that Zoe can’t quite make out, and then clumsily reaches for the door handle.

“I um… she just wanted Connor to feel safe,” He finally says when he stepped out. “I’m… I’m sorry we couldn’t do more.”

“It’s not your fault,” Zoe shakes her head. The sadness is back in her eyes, evident all over her face and Evan knows that it’s partially his fault.

He doesn’t really know what to say, so he just gives her a small tight-lipped smile and nods. “I’ll um, I’ll see you at school tomorrow? A-and we can go on the next adventure whenever,” He says quietly, his hand resting against the door.

Zoe nods, smiling. “Good plan. See you tomorrow, Evan. Thank you for coming with me today.”

Evan nods, shutting the car door and walking back to his front door with the two letters grasped tightly between his fingers as if the smallest gust of wind would blow them away.  
Zoe pulls away once he’s safely inside, giving him a few hours to compose his thoughts and think about everything that they had done that day. How he had faced a fear head on, how Connor had sent him to a place he knew he hated just for this stupid scavenger hunt and how he was a little bit upset about that.

He walks up to his room, pulls out his journal and scribbles down his feelings about that day’s adventure, promising himself he’d put it all into a letter for therapy later when his brain wasn’t so scattered and he didn’t feel like he was going to freak out still or his anxiety was going to like, take over his body or something.

And then he remembers the book he checked out from the library. The one Connor had specifically said to read, that was now sitting on the counter in the kitchen because he tossed it there with the letters when he had gotten home, like maybe it was poison and he shouldn’t have been touching it.

He walks back downstairs, grabs himself a glass of water in an attempt to calm himself down. And then notices the book still on the counter.

He walks over and grabs it, making his way into the living room and laying down on the sofa.

With his last few hours before his mom gets home he dives into the book, praying that reading this will give him some answers and some clarity into everything about Connor that he didn’t know before.

—

Zoe’s wrestled with her thoughts about this whole adventure and what she’s supposed to do about it since they first found the map and letters. She just… doesn’t believe that Connor is this kind of person. Because the last few years before Connor had ended up taking his own life had been terrorizing, awful, and every other bad thing imaginable that Zoe could muster up in her own brain.

But now she was left with these tasks to do with her brother’s best friend, and she doesn’t know if she wants to talk to her parents about it — who are still grieving Connor in their own ways and trying to come to terms with it all — or if she should just keep it to herself and Evan. Let the two of them have this together, like maybe it could be their own little memories of Connor in whatever capacity Connor wanted that to be.

Her mom has cried a lot over Connor, which. Zoe expected, honestly. Cynthia had tried her best to help Connor, even when he didn’t want help or didn’t appreciate what she was trying to do for him, but. Zoe felt like keeping this adventure from her, which was so far a good memory about Connor, was wrong.

So before her dad gets home from work, before the awkwardness begins and talking about Connor almost feels taboo within the walls of the home where he grew up, Zoe makes her way back downstairs to where her mom had been working on dinner.

“Hi sweetheart,” Cynthia smiles as she browns the meat. She glances over at Zoe, giving her a small smile. “Did you need something? Or were you just coming to keep me company?”

Zoe shrugs, reaching over to grab a grape from the bowl in the middle of the island. “I just felt like it was too quiet in my room. Figured it’d be nice to spend time with you,” She decides, which. Isn’t a complete lie. She just… didn’t really know how to express that she was down here because she wanted to talk about her brother, the one person she had said she hated and didn’t know how they expected her to mis him after everything he put her through.

Cynthia nods, moving around the kitchen with such ease that Zoe is transported back to when she was little and would help her mom with making dinner. Back then Zoe had always thought that she was a magician, one who knew how to make delicious dinners and always knew exactly what she needed to get the job done, making it look easy.

Zoe knows better now.

“So, Evan and I went on the next adventure Connor left for us today,” She says after a pause, waiting until the kitchen had quieted down slightly and her mom had poured the pasta into the large pot on the stove.

Cynthia raises her eyebrows, looking over at her daughter with an expectant look. Like she knew there was more. “How was that? Did he send you anywhere interesting today?”

Zoe shrugs. “I mean, this adventure was more for Evan, or at least he said that in his note,” She says. “He sent us to the library, and then he put this little note in his favorite book and told Evan to check it out and read it since he had asked about it a few times.”

Cynthia nods. “So it sounds like he’s sending you guys places that mean a lot to the two of you and your relationships with him. Do you like that?”

Zoe doesn’t know how to answer that. “I don’t know,” She finally concedes, but it doesn’t feel like enough. “I just… I wish if he wanted me to have good memories of him that he didn’t leave it for this scavenger hunt. He didn’t need to threaten to kill me, he didn’t need to be mean to me and take all his anger out on me. Then maybe I would miss him more than I do.”

The words sting, Zoe knows. They feel like sharp knives in Cynthia’s chest, and they always have as long as Zoe talks about how much she doesn’t miss Connor, and how much she resents that he treated her the way that he did. She just… she didn’t know how else to explain it. Connor wasn’t a nice person, not in Zoe’s mind, and she doesn’t think that this scavenger hunt should change that.

Even if she is enjoying it.

Cynthia manages to nod, sighing as she pauses on cooking dinner, turning back to stand across from her daughter. “I wish he left you on better terms, too. Zoe, I really do wish that for you. But since he didn’t, and since you’ll never get the apology you both needed and deserved, maybe this scavenger hunt is his way of saying he’s sorry. For everything he put you through.”

Zoe bites her lip. “I don’t want it. Not like this. He could’ve done so much better.” She’s angry, tears spilling over her eyelids and down her cheeks. She desperately pushes them away with the palm of her hands, but they don’t stop. They just keep falling at a rapid pace, and at this point she doesn’t know if she’s more angry that he did this or upset that she doesn’t feel like it’s enough from him.

Cynthia drops the subject, instead distracting her daughter by asking her to set the table for the three of them. Zoe does so, and when she’s quiet through dinner her parents don’t press her to talk more.

She makes her way up to bed early, and without thinking about it she walks into her brother’s room, taking _The Little Prince_ from Connor’s nightstand.

His room is barely touched, most things left out from where he had wanted them. She tries not to think too much about him being in there, about how he’d hate that she stole his book.

She shuts and locks her door, laying down on her bed and diving into the book that had been so special to her brother, praying that it gives her some sort of answers about everything going on that she feels that Evan is getting by reading the book himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title of chapter from the song At the Library by Green Day.
> 
> so they've gone on the second adventure now! i made the next clue a little harder haha, the first clue 100% gave away where they were going next and i realized that when i was proofing the chapter but just decided to leave it.
> 
> thank you for all the love on this story! i definitely wasn't expecting that haha. hopefully you guys like the rest as well!
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr if you want! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on Monday!


	3. All my troubles seemed so far away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Childhood memories are sometimes covered and obscured beneath the things that come later, like childhood toys forgotten at the bottom of a crammed adult closet, but they are never lost for good.” - Neil Gaiman (The Ocean at the End of the Lane)

Heidi ended up taking an extra shift that night, meaning that Evan was on his own for dinner. He didn’t mind, really, almost becoming used to the fact that he ate alone most nights when his mom had class or would pick up an extra shift to bring home more money.

It was nights like these that made him miss Connor the most. Because on nights where Heidi wouldn’t be home Connor would come over, and the two of them would marathon _The Office_ and Connor would order the pizza for Evan and everything would just be… nice. Like they fit together like two puzzle pieces and nothing else really mattered in their worlds at that time.

Tonight he decides to heat up leftover Chinese food from the night before as he keeps reading _The Little Prince_ , falling in love with the storyline and the little details and quotes that he loved the most. He reads until it’s dark outside and his mom texts that she’s on her way home, and then he forces himself to put the book away.

He and his mom always watch trashy reality TV when she gets off a long shift. Evan has never really liked the shows, he usually just does it to spend time with her, but tonight he thinks about asking if they can skip that so he can show her the letters and the book and talk about what he and Zoe did today.

But when she walks in the door and looks like she could fall over from exhaustion, he decides against it. She hangs up her things, smiles at him, and collapses in the chair next to him, Evan turning on the TV without a word.

“Sorry I’m home so late, honey. I tried to get out early so we could have dinner together since I was gone all day, but Cara called out with the flu and I knew that it would look good if I took the shift.”

“It’s okay,” Evan says, shaking his head. He really _didn’t_ mind. He more just minded that Connor wasn’t here to keep him company. But he couldn’t say that.

When he looks up from his lap his mom is smiling at him, like she could read his mind and knew that he was thinking about the fact that he was missing Connor more than he ever had before over something so silly.

“I’ll try not to be late again. Or if I am I’ll let you know sooner. I hope you ate something for dinner, sweetheart,” She says, almost like she knows that Evan would skip dinner if it meant having to talk to someone.

He just nods quickly. “I had the leftover Chinese in the fridge. Figured I’d um, I’d eat it before it went bad,” He mumbles. Heidi nods, thanking him quietly.

Evan’s grateful when she turns her attention the TV, stopping the conversation. He can feel the book pressing into his side, itching for him to pick it back up again and continue reading, continue finding out why this book had meant so much to Connor.

Instead he waits until she’s gone up to take a bath an hour later before he announces he’s going to go to bed early, grabbing the letters off the counter and making his way up to his room, where he then he spends far too many hours reading through the book and hanging on to every single word that passes by until his eyelids are heavy and his clock reads an hour of the morning that should be meant for sleeping.

—

It takes Evan two more days before he finds the time to talk to Heidi about the adventure from a few days prior, when Heidi has her first day off in almost a week. It’s been on his mind all day throughout school, and when he’s supposed to be paying attention to a history lesson he finds himself thinking about the letters from Connor that are shoved under his pillow, praying his mom doesn’t find them before he has a chance to show her them.

His mom is flipping through a magazine when he walks in from school, glancing up and smiling at him. “Hi sweetheart, did you have a good day?” She asks, and Evan just nods, toeing off his shoes and pushing them off to the side.

“It was okay, yeah,” He shrugs, rolling his ankle as he holds onto his backpack straps. “I’m um, I’m going to put this in my room. I’ll… I’ll be right back.”

Heidi nods, and Evan makes his way upstairs to his bedroom, setting his bag down and pulling the two letters from under his bed, where they had laid untouched throughout the day. He grabs the book off his nightstand as well, takes a deep breath, and then makes his way back downstairs to where his mom is still flipping through her magazine.

“So um, so the other day I… went with Zoe to the next place Connor left for us,” Evan says quietly, awkwardly standing in the entryway of the living room.

Heidi sets her magazine down, patting the spot next to her on the sofa as she smiles at him. Trying to calm him down, which. Doesn’t work. Evan still feels like he’s going to throw up or pass out and… he feels stupid. Because there’s no reason for him to be nervous to show his mom the letters that he had already told her about.

“I brought the letters that he’s left so far? For you to see. He um, he sent us to the library the other day. And told me to… to read this.” He shoves the two letters and the book into her hands and then sinks back into the pillows, wishing the sofa would somehow just swallow him whole and make him like, not have to talk about this with his mom even though he’s the one that brought them up.

“I know it’s kind of hard to see how people are feeling through words, but he seems happy in these,” Heidi says, flipping between the two notes. “Like maybe this means a lot to him because you and Zoe were important to him.”

“B-but him and Zoe didn’t get along.”

Heidi smiles. “They did when they were little. And even though Connor wasn’t nice to her the last few years, maybe he wishes he was. Maybe he wishes he didn’t ruin things.”

Evan nods, but he doesn’t really understand. Because he hadn’t really changed all that much in his relationship with him, how could Connor just… not be nice to his sister? Not fix things. He didn’t understand how things didn’t change really at all between him and Connor, but everything had changed between Connor and Zoe.

“Do you um, do you think we’re going to keep getting answers from him?”

“I think so,” Heidi smiles, confidence laced through her words. It oddly gives Evan hope. “I don’t think he did this for fun. Connor always had a meaning to what he was doing. He was always doing things for a reason, and I think this may be one of those times.”

Evan nods, shifting his position so he’s slightly more comfortable on the sofa. “What about this book, though? Is there something in it that jumps out at you?”

Evan quickly shakes his head. “It was… it was his favorite book. A-and I used to ask him about it. He just… he thought I should read it.”

Heidi nods, flipping through the book. “Sometimes reading someone’s favorite book brings you closer to them when you didn’t think it was possible,” She smiles, handing him the book and the letters. “I think maybe that’s what he wanted for you. To still feel close to him even though he’s not here anymore.”

Evan nods, setting the things down on the coffee table and letting his mom’s words run through his mind.

He wonders about the next adventures, what Connor is going to lead them to, but more importantly why Connor had decided to do this instead of just talking to them when he seems to have needed it the most.

—

Zoe decides to wait until the weekend again before texting Evan, one of the last good days of Fall where it was warm and the sun was beating down serving as the perfect day for their next adventure. She manages to let Evan sleep in a little longer this time before texting him, promising him that she’d be there soon to pick him up if he was ready to go.

She pulls into his driveway just before lunch, shifting the car into park and sending Evan a quick text to let him know she’s there. It’s not that she’s expecting him to be home alone, because it’s the weekend and what little she did remember about Heidi was that she didn’t usually take shifts on weekends, but when she looks up and both are walking out of the house she’s more than a little confused.

“Hi, Zoe,” Heidi smiles as Zoe puts her window down. “I just wanted to say thank you for driving Evan around to do this adventure. I know it’s not always convenient to stop by here.”

“It’s okay,” Zoe smiles, and she means it. She wouldn’t want to do this alone as odd at that sounds, because doing this alone would mean that she’d have to confront how she feels about Connor and his death without any distractions. Which. She’s not ready to do. “I like having someone to do this with. It’s like… nice that Connor left this for both of us.”

Heidi nods, smiling as she holds out a thermos. “We’re trying these new fruit smoothies. I remembered how you always liked them when you were little and your mom would make them. It’s just strawberries and banana today, I need to go shopping. We had a little extra so that’s for you.”

Zoe smiles, reaching her hand out and taking the thermos. In all honesty she was grateful for it, because in the excitement of going on their next adventure Zoe had forgotten to grab something to eat for herself. “Thank you so much, Ms. Hansen. I’ll make sure to send the cup home with Evan later today,” She smiles, and looks over at Evan as he buckles himself into the passenger seat.

The two of them leave without another word, Zoe figuring that Evan would rather figure out where they were going on the way there rather than awkwardly figure it out with his mom standing in the driveway watching them. “S-sorry about her,” Evan mumbles when Zoe finally decides on a song.

She looks over, smiling at him. “Evan, your mom is like the nicest person on the planet. Anyone who makes extra smoothie and gives it to me is like a god in my book,” She promises, and is only slightly surprised when Evan laughs.

He nods, taking a sip of his own and setting it back in the cupholder and reopening the map. “Um, today is easy I think?” He says, glancing at Zoe as he waits for her to get to a stoplight. “I think it’s the um, the lake? Down by the um, the middle school?”

Zoe glances over, following to where Evan is pointing at the number 3 circle, and then nods. “It looks like it might be at the picnic grove,” She decides, because she can’t really think of anywhere else they would park where Connor would’ve known where to go. “Should we try there first?” She asks, and when Evan nods she immediately begins navigating her way towards the lake.

“Did the lake mean anything to the two of you?” She asks after a moment, but Evan only quickly shakes his head, causing Zoe to sigh. “I mean, he and I used to go there a lot when we were little, maybe that’s why he’s sending us there?”

Evan shrugs and then nods, leaning back in the seat with the map still spread out on his lap, as if they were going to need it. “M-maybe,” He nods, letting the music replace conversation for the rest of the way there.

The lake is fairly crowded, not that Zoe is at all surprised due to the fact that it’s probably the last good weekend before Winter starts rolling in, but. She wishes they had done this at a different time now. When maybe they had a little more privacy.

She looks at the map once more, then shuffles through the letters until she finds the third one. “Do you think we should open this now? Or wait until we get to wherever it is we’re supposed to go?”

Evan pauses, thinking it over before he pulls out the letter that Connor had left for them at the last adventure. “Maybe um, maybe we should use this first? Then open that one?” He asks. “Or we could just open this now it doesn’t really matter.”

“No, you’re right,” Zoe nods, unbuckling her seatbelt as she reaches for the old letter. “Connor would probably like, haunt me if we did this in a way we weren’t supposed to.”

Evan laughs at that, and watches Zoe as she skims through the old letter. “Okay, it says the mark he left is on the first thing on the right,” Zoe says out loud, thinking it over. “I’m hoping he means the picnic grove, otherwise we’re going to be at the lake all day trying to figure this out. There’s so many places he could’ve put something.”

The two of them get out of the car, Evan tucking the map back onto his seat as he holds the new letter in his hand, following Zoe along the trail and down to the picnic grove. There are a few families eating lunch, but thankfully when they both look no one is at the first table on the right.

Zoe looks over it carefully, but Evan is painfully aware that the other families are watching them and he feels like maybe they’re going to get in trouble or people are going to think that they’re suspicious or something, and. He really just wants to like run back to the car and sit this adventure out.

But then he figure that maybe that’s the point. Maybe Connor left this for them so they’d be forced out of their comfort zones. Forced to interact, to remember things that they did with him that were good times. Maybe that was what Connor wanted — for the two of them to realize that they had each other, they didn’t have to grieve or go through this all alone now that he was gone. Now that he wasn’t ruining their lives like he thought he was.

Maybe this was Connor’s way of saying he was sorry to his best friend who didn’t get a goodbye, but also to his sister, who he hadn’t gotten along with in years and maybe regretted that.

And so Evan thinks he can do this. If not for himself, for Connor. As a thank you.

“Oh my god,” Zoe says, breaking Evan’s train of thought as he looks over at her, walking to see what she’s staring at. “He freaking carved into this old wooden table.”

She seems annoyed, but then she laughs and so Evan figures maybe it’s not so bad what he engraved. He looks over her shoulder, smiling when he sees what she’s been staring at since she discovered it.

  1. **Connor**
  2. **Zoe**



“He did this because when we were little we used to build these little boats and then bring them down to the lake and race them. I bet that’s what he means.” She says, and then looks back at Evan. “Did you bring the letter down?” She asks, and Evan nods as he hands it over.

The two of them sit across from each other at the picnic table, Zoe ripping the envelope maybe a little too eagerly as she pulls the letter out and opens it up, beginning to read it.

_Honestly, this one might have been the hardest one. I realize I was pretty vague with where you guys should look, so hopefully it didn’t take you all that long._

_Zoe, I picked here for you because of the boats we used to build together. And yeah, maybe the etching is a joke because my boats were definitely better than yours :) We used to spend so many weekends here with Dad, and some of the boats we built together were actually amazing, so. I thought they deserved a special memory._

_Evan, I know you didn’t come here all that often with us, but I remember the summer your dad left you used to come a lot, except my mom wouldn’t really say why. And we used to help Zoe build her boat but then you and I would skip rocks along the water until we accidentally sunk Zoe’s boat one time and got yelled at._

_If the weather is nice or it’s not too late when you’re doing these, maybe you guys should go do that again. Skip rocks for a little while, talk about things. I know you didn’t know each other all that well anymore. Sorry if this is awkward._

_Your next destination is a place where we all have been together, but it’s also one of the last places that I went with Evan. Think food. You’ll see something there but if I say any more it’ll give it away. I changed my mind… this clue might be worse._

_CM._

“I was mad at you guys for a solid week after you sunk my boat,” Zoe laughs, and when Evan looks up he realizes she’s crying. He thinks about saying something, but. He doesn’t want to make it awkward and so he just ignores it, which he thinks she might be grateful for.

“We um, we really didn’t mean to,” Evan says. He barely remembers that memory, honestly. But he remembers the summer his dad left and how much he hung out with the Murphy’s and their adventures to the lake, and maybe that alone is a good enough memory for all of this. He just wishes he remembered more.

Zoe nods, taking a photo of the etching in the picnic table before she stands up, the two of them walking down to the lake.

It’s not all that busy down where they choose to stand, besides a few people fishing off the small dock. It’s nice, Zoe decides, and she almost feels bad that they’re going to skip rocks because she feels like they might scare the fish away or something.

But she looks over and Evan is handing her a rock that’s almost perfect for skipping, and so quietly the two begin tossing them towards the water, both getting oddly competitive as to who could get theirs to go further.

“Hey Evan, can I ask you something?” Zoe says after a few minutes of silence, which ends up sending Evan into anxiety overdrive. Freaking out that she’s going to ask something weird or odd or something that he won’t have the answer to.

“Sure,” He stumbles out, trying to sound a lot calmer than he actually was.

He wasn’t sure that it worked.

“Sorry if this is weird and you totally don’t have to answer, but. Were you and Connor like, a thing?” She asks, and for a moment Evan wishes a wave from a boat would just splash over them and force him to not have to answer it.

But. He knows Zoe is just curious and he doesn’t know how to answer, so he just sighs. “I… don’t know,” He concedes, but it doesn’t feel like a good enough response. “I mean we um, we had kissed a few times? But um, it wasn’t like… it wasn’t official.”

Zoe smiles at him, nodding. “I’m not going to tell anyone, don’t worry,” She smiles, and Evan visibly relaxes at that. “I was just curious. He was always so… comfortable around you. And sometimes he’d come home and I knew he had been with you, but he’d have this stupid grin on his face like he was hiding a secret. I’ve always wondered, but judging by the fact that he had threatened to kill me more than a few times, I figured maybe asking him about your relationship probably wasn’t the best move.”

Evan nods. “N-no it’s okay. I just… don’t really know um, what to say about us.”  
Zoe nods. She lets a pause fall between them. And then sighs. “So you’re…?” She begins to ask, but then trails off like she feels bad.

“I’m bi,” Evan says, and it might have been the most confident he’s been all day. “I-I mean I think I am. I’ve only like, been with um, with Connor. I-if you can even consider it that.”

Zoe smiles. “I get it,” She nods. And pauses again. “Was Connor um, was Connor gay?”

“I don’t know,” Evan mumbles. He feels bad he can’t give her more. “He never um, never said? I-I asked, but. He just dropped it. A-and he would change the subject.”

“Typical Connor,” Zoe says, rolling her eyes. But she’s smiling and she doesn’t seem annoyed and Evan just thinks this really feels okay.

They skip rocks for a few more minutes before deciding to leave, making their way back to the car where Zoe hands Evan the letters again. He expertly folds up the map, leaving it resting on his lap so it’s ready for their next adventure.

The quiet drives with only music playing have almost become comforting to Evan, who doesn’t get nearly as nervous now that he and Zoe have kind of reconnected. It’s nice to just sit quietly and reflect on that adventure without needing to talk about.

“Thank you for telling me about you and Connor,” Zoe says when she’s at a stop sign just down the street from Evan’s house. “You really didn’t have to, like it’s not really any of my business what went down between the two of you.”

Evan shrugs. “You’re his sister. You um, you deserved to know, too.”

Zoe smiles, but doesn’t necessarily believe that. “If only Connor acted the same way you do,” She says teasingly, and Evan just smiles as he watches her pull into the driveway.

“See you next adventure?” She asks, and Evan is nodding before she’s even done asking as he steps out of the car, setting the map and the letters back on the passenger seat.

Zoe blasts her music on her drive home, feeling oddly at peace with this whole thing for the first time since they began this journey together.

—

Zoe has made it a habit to tell her parents about the adventure she had gone on that day with Evan. She doesn’t tell every detail, but talks about where she went and what Connor had left there for them to find when they got there.

She shouldn’t have been surprised when Cynthia seems disappointed that Connor etched into something else on public property.

Larry never says anything when Zoe’s talking about the adventures, not that she thought he would. He’s been in denial since Connor died, trying his best to just like, not think about the fact that his son was gone and the only memories they had are of what they went through together and this little scavenger hunt Zoe had been going on. He doesn’t talk about Connor, doesn’t discuss his death, and Zoe had become so used to it that she almost felt like it was how every parent reacted when they lost a child.

They finish up dinner and Zoe helps clear the table and do the dishes, looking over to see her dad awkwardly standing in the kitchen. “When you’re done, come out to the garage so I can show you something,” He says, and although Zoe is slightly nervous as to what’s going to happen she nods, finishing helping her mom and walking out to the garage, where her dad had been spending most of his time in the wake of his son’s death.

“When you were talking about how today the adventure Connor left was to the lake, it got me thinking about all those boats you two used to build,” Larry begins, setting down the tools he had been working with and walking over to the storage on the other side of the garage, pulling down a box.

It takes Zoe a minute before she realizes that it’s a box of all of their boats. “I kept them all. Figured maybe one day you guys would want to show your… your kids.” Zoe pretends like she doesn’t hear him get choked up. “This was the one that was the best, but it’s half painted the way you wanted and half the way he wanted it because you fought over it and I couldn’t take it anymore,” He says. And tries to smile.

Zoe nods, moving through the box full of boats that their dad had kept all these years, but leaves the one she and Connor painted together aside. “Is this one that he and Evan did?” Zoe asks, pulling out a box that had both Evan and Connor’s names written on it.

Larry smiles, nodding. “The names make it obvious,” He mumbles, holding it in his hands before handing it back to her. “You can give it to him, if you want. He might want to have it as a memory,” Larry shrugs. Zoe thanks him quietly.

She takes the two boats she had set aside, thanking her dad again before walking back in, announcing that she was going to shower. Her mom is too engrossed in her TV show to notice the boats in her hands, instead just mumbling some sort of response that Zoe doesn’t even understand but doesn’t question as she makes her way back upstairs.

She sets both boats on her bed, taking a photo of the one Connor and Evan had made together. She scrolls through her texts, finding Evan’s name and attaching the photo.

**My dad apparently saved a box full of all of our boats that we made. He kept this one that you and Connor made together. I’ll bring it for you on our next adventure :)**

She moves Evan’s boat the rest next to her bag, and then places the one she and Connor had made together on her dresser, where she can stare at it from her bed. “You know, Con, when Mom said that she found this map with mine and Evan’s names on it, I thought about throwing it out,” Zoe begins, talking to no one in particular.

“But I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad I’m going on this adventure with Evan. You weren’t a good brother to me the last few years, but I didn’t hate you. At least not like I acted like I did.”

She pauses, but decides against stopping the tears. Instead she lets them fall, and then laughs at herself for how ridiculous she feels. “I don’t know what you have in store on this adventure, but. I’m glad that I’m doing it. I just hope it brings me some answers.”

Her phone vibrates next to her, and she quickly looks at it to see that it’s Evan.

_Wow, that’s cool. I’d love to have it. I’m glad you found that one and all the other boats. :)_

She smiles, deciding against texting him back as her phone falls back onto the bed beside her.

She forces herself to get out of bed and go shower, but all she can think about is how Connor is somehow trying to make things easier, and although she doesn’t forgive him for a lot of things, she think she can forgive him a little just because of all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title of the chapter from Yesterday by The Beatles.
> 
> so i think the next clue is a little easier to guess! 
> 
> thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :) honestly it's so nice i'm glad you guys are enjoying this :)
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com
> 
> more on wednesday!


	4. It was all so simple then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The last laugh, the last cup of coffee, the last sunset, the last time you jump through a sprinkler, or eat an ice-cream cone, or stick your tongue out to catch a snowflake. You just don’t know.” - Lauren Oliver (Before I Fall)

Since the last adventure Evan had been thinking about the note Connor left and the next adventure they’d be going on. He knows he should wait for Zoe, knows he really shouldn’t think ahead or try to ruin this because Connor would’ve hated that, but. He can’t help it.

Because he knows the next place is one of the last places he had been with Connor, but in the shock and the grief that he felt over losing his best friend to suicide, he couldn’t really remember the last places that they went. They had places they would frequent often, hanging out there when things were tough for Connor at home or he just needed some space, but Evan couldn’t be sure that those were the places that he meant.

He gives up trying to figure it out and instead opts to try to fall asleep, which. Doesn’t come easy for him. But in all fairness he hadn’t been able to sleep all that well since Connor’s death, often wondering if there was something that he should’ve noticed, something he could’ve done to change the outcome of this. So that his best friend would be here and he wouldn’t have to do this scavenger hunt at all because it would mean that he could just text or call Connor and they could just… talk for hours. Like they used to.

He’s surprised that two days later Zoe texts him, asking him if he wants to meet up after school and go on the next adventure. He thinks about saying no, mostly because he’s caught off guard and he’s exhausted and really just wants to be home, but he also wants answers. So he sends a quick text back saying that he’ll meet her at her car at the end of the day, and then shoves his phone in his pocket and prays that no one asks him why he’s acting weird or why suddenly his breathing is insane and feels like it’ll never slow down.

He beats Zoe to her car at the end of the day, standing outside the passenger side of the car and trying not to make eye contact with any other student. He already knows they’re going to think it’s weird he’s going home with a junior, but to add on that it’s Zoe Murphy, Connor’s sister, he just doesn’t think he could take that kind of scrutiny and gossip right now.

“Hey, sorry,” Zoe smiles as she walks towards her car quickly, tossing her bag into the back seat when she opens the door for both of them. “My friend stopped me in the hallway and every time I tried to walk away or say that I had to go because someone was waiting for me she just kept talking,” Zoe says. Rolling her eyes. And then turning towards Evan. “So, the map?”

Evan nods, scrambling to unfold the map on her lap, looking over it. “Um, so here is 4,” He mumbles, pointing towards the map as he reaches for the last letter that they opened. “He um, he said it’s from one of the last places he and I went. A-and that you have been there, too.”

“Okay,” Zoe says slowly, leaning over to get a better look at the map, trying to figure out what he had circled. “Do you remember one of the last places you guys went together? Even just like, a general idea? We could probably figure it out if you just had a general idea or something.”

Evan sighs, his brain scrambling to think of _anywhere_ that he and Connor had gone. He glances at the map. And then it seems to all click. “Do you um, do you think that could be A-la Mode that’s c-circled?” Evan asks quietly, handing the map to Zoe so that she could see it better. “We um, we went there the day before school started.”

Zoe leans in and squints as if that’s going to make it easier to see, and then she leans back against the headrest. “I think you’re right. You’re sure that that’s where you guys went?” She asks, and Evan nods quickly.

He remembers the day so clearly. It was the last day of summer, and although Evan had been working on his summer work packets — Connor had given up and said that they didn’t check them the first day anyway, so he had time to finish them — Connor insisted that they take a break and go out for a drive since it was nice out.

Reluctantly Evan agreed, climbing into the passenger seat of Connor’s car that he had recently gotten back, blissfully unaware of the fact that Connor wasn’t doing his summer packets not as a procrastination technique, but because he knew he wasn’t going to be alive any further than the first day of school and so they were pointless.

They ended up at A-la Mode after driving all through town, the parking lot bustling with nannies and small children all stopping for a last minute treat before school started the following day. Evan had ordered vanilla ice cream while Connor ordered mint chocolate, and they sat at the table in the back corner in the air conditioning eating while Connor teased Evan for being boring.

It felt normal, really. Like two best friends savoring the last few hours of summer before chaos started, and everything was fine. Except it wasn’t, and now Evan looks back on those last few hours that he spent with Connor that afternoon wondering if there were signs that he should’ve noticed.

He knows he can’t blame himself, that it’s not his fault this happened and there really wasn’t anything that he could’ve done, but sometimes it’s hard for Evan to remember that and so he spends the rest of the drive to A-la Mode thinking about how much easier this would’ve been if Connor had just left a straightforward note or if he had like, told him beforehand that he was feeling like this.

Zoe pulls into the now much emptier parking lot of the ice cream place, finding a spot close to the door and looking over at Evan as he hands her the last note they had. “Okay, so he said something about us seeing something there. I don’t know what that means, because if this is the place then he couldn’t have been too obvious with what he wants us to see, but maybe it’ll like, jump out at us when we go inside.”

Evan nods, digging through his bag and finding his wallet as the two of them walk inside. “I-I actually think I know what he means,” Evan mumbles, smiling at the older couple who look at Zoe and Evan, watching them get in line to order some ice cream before they went to find what Connor had left for them.

Zoe raises her eyebrows, but nods anyway as she steps forward and orders her ice cream, stepping aside for Evan to do the same.

Evan’s grateful when Zoe doesn’t look twice at him when he stutters over his words, and then spends the next few minutes thinking about how Connor would’ve ordered for him if he were still here. But. He figures Dr. Sherman would at least be proud of him this time for ordering without anyone helping him.

He forgets that he had told Zoe he thinks he knew what Connor meant until he turns back after paying and notices Zoe standing there waiting for him. “S-so when we um, when we came here we used to sit back here,” Evan says, taking the lead and leading her back to the back table in the corner, a few down from the older couple who were sitting there talking quietly.

He sits in the seat he always sat in, Zoe sliding into the seat that used to be occupied by Connor. Initially they don’t notice anything, both just as confused as each other and slightly worried that they had like, gone to the wrong place or something until Evan lifts his bowl.

And notices that Connor etched into the vintage metal tables.

“Zoe, um, I found what he left.”

Zoe leans over, smiling when she notices the _E + C_ etched into the table. “So, apparently he really liked coming here with you if he etched your initials into the table,” Zoe says. Evan blushes, but nods quickly and then realizes that he doesn’t know what to say to Zoe to keep the conversation going. “Let’s finish our ice cream and then we’ll open the next note,” She says, and Evan is grateful it didn’t get any more awkward than he already felt it was.

Evan nods, relaxing back into the chair and eating his ice cream when he notices the flavor that Zoe got. “You um, you got the same flavor he always got when we came here,” He stutters out.

Zoe glances down at her bowl, furrowing her eyebrows. “Connor used to get mint chocolate ice cream when you guys would come here?” She asks, looking up as Evan nods. “That’s weird, he always told my mom he hated mint ice cream when she would ask him what kind he wanted. I just… I thought he really did hate it.”

“H-he loved it.”

Zoe nods. “I mean, I really shouldn’t be surprised. That was the flavor he always got when we were little. When things were… were better. You know? But. I don’t know, it’s silly. I just feel like I don’t know anything about him anymore, so I always believed what he said.”

“You um, you shouldn’t have had to question what he said.”

“Yeah, but we did,” Zoe mumbles. And then feels bad for how she approached it. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have like snapped at you or whatever. It’s just… been a really tough few weeks, and this is only making me more confused about how I should feel about Connor. Because this is all great, but Connor and I weren’t left on good terms. He threatened to kill me. He hated me. And then he does this and it’s like the good side of Connor that I thought had left him, and I just. I don’t know how to comprehend all of this.”

Evan nods, waiting until he’s taken a bite of his ice cream before he answers. “I-I don’t think he hated you,” He says, but then quickly realizes he needed to follow it up. “I’m just… I’m sorry that things were so bad for you. I know um, I know how close you guys were when you were little,” He says.  
Zoe thanks him quietly, taking a break from her ice cream as she looks back at Evan. “So, I’m really curious about what he has to say now, and I just… I want to read the note real quick. Do you care?” She asks, and Evan quickly shakes his head as he hands the note over to her, letting her open it.

She skims it over, Evan watching as her eyes skim line by line, reading quietly to herself. He’s intrigued, definitely, but he’s also overwhelmed with the fact that this was their place, this was where they normally went and now Connor had wanted him to visit it again, and. It just didn’t feel right, being there without him. Like when he looked up he expected Connor to be sitting there, but it was Zoe instead and it almost felt… wrong. Like maybe he shouldn’t be doing this.

“He said that this was yours and his place. And that he wanted you to continue going here without him because it means a lot to him that he always felt safe here and you guys could always come here when he just needed a break.”

Evan nods, taking another bite of his ice cream before reaching out for the note in Zoe’s outstretched hand. Now that he’s heard her summarize it he almost doesn’t want to read it, doesn’t want to see what it has to say. But. He knows he needs to read it. So they can like, keep moving on, keep moving forward with whatever they have left on this scavenger hunt.

_So, you’ve made it to the fourth place._

_I chose this place mostly because of the times that Evan and I used to spend here. We started going here a lot when things started getting bad. It was kind of our place, I guess. Like when I just needed to leave home Evan always understood and would come here with me when I just needed a break. Needed some time away from home._

_Thank you for always being so understanding about things, Evan. I dragged you through some bad times, mostly because I felt like you were the only person who just let me vent. Let me be mad and get upset and you never left or turned on me. I just don’t really know how to thank you enough for that. I could’ve said it more._

_Your final place is a place that was special to all three of us, but for different reasons. We have all been there a lot together, and when you arrive I think you’ll remember exactly where you should go. I don’t know how you’re going to feel when you go there, but I hope that you can remember all the good times we had there together. Both as a group of three and just me with Zoe and me with Evan. It’s the last place, but I saved it for a reason._

_There’s two more things in the glove compartment of Zoe’s car, but you two can’t look at them until you’re at the last place. You can bring them with you, but don’t open them until you get to where I left something behind for you._

_Have fun on the final adventure. Hope you actually liked this._

_Connor_

Evan reads the letter once. And then two more times quickly, trying to etch into his brain that he sent them to A-la Mode because of him. He called it their place, talked about how they would go there when Connor was having a bad day, and how he just. Appreciated how much he never left him, even when things were awful.

It’s a lot for Evan to process. And almost made him more confused than he had been.

“I-I don’t really know what to say to that,” He finally says. And is surprised when Zoe smiles.

“That’s how I’ve been this whole scavenger hunt,” She smiles. “This… this doesn’t feel like Connor. I mean, obviously you know him better than I do at this point, but. This whole charade feels like Connor put this effort into because he knew I’d be pissed off at him for… killing himself. And he wanted to apologize to you for putting you through the whole aftermath of him dying.”

Evan nods, like everything Zoe had said had been right on point. And he felt the same way, no matter how hard it was for him to comprehend or grasp at this moment in time.

There’s a silence that falls between the two of them while they’re finishing their ice cream, the letter set out in front of them. It doesn’t feel awkward or forced, it’s just there. And both of them are thinking about things and Evan tries to think of something to say before Zoe beats him to it, clearing her throat and looking back at him.

“I think we should leave the last adventure until Saturday,” She says, sounding so sure of herself. “I just think that if this place means a lot to Connor and he says will mean a lot to us, we should take our time with it. And Saturday will give us the whole day to do it, especially since it’s the last one.” She pauses. “Unless you have plans on Saturday, which in that case we can do it any day that you want.”

Evan quickly shakes his head. “N-no!” He says maybe a little too loudly. And then sinks back in his chair. “I um, I’m free then,” He says, quieter this time.

Zoe smiles. “Well okay then. We can go around mid-morning? I’ll text you when I’m ready to go and we can figure it out from there or whatever,” She decides, and Evan just nods, too afraid to speak now.

They clean up their trash, Evan snapping a quick photo of the etching that Connor did on the table before following Zoe back out to her car.

The ride is silent, just like most of theirs are on the way home from the adventures. Zoe always turns her music on shuffle, and occasionally she’ll hum or drum against the steering wheel along to the song that’s playing. It’s not awkward like Evan thought it would be. He doesn’t feel the need to make conversation with her or find something to fill the quiet. It’s just them, and nothing else.

It’s a lot like how his car rides felt with Connor.

“Is it weird that I’m like, sad about this adventure coming to an end?” Zoe asks, glancing over at Evan at a stoplight. “Like I’m actually going to miss driving around this town with my brother’s best friend doing this weird scavenger hunt he left for us.”

Evan smiles, shrugging. “I-I don’t think it’s weird,” He says, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “I’m um, I’m going to miss it, too.”

Zoe nods, sighing as she continues driving back towards Evan’s house. “I just… I know we stopped hanging out a while ago, but I kind of wish we didn’t. I don’t think things would be different now, but. You’re cool, Evan. Maybe we can hang out sometimes? You could hang out with me and my friends?”

Evan nods, unsure of what to say. “Y-yeah, that would be nice,” He mumbles.

Zoe smiles, letting the music fill the car for the rest of the ride home.

—

It’s not that Connor’s death had suddenly made Zoe feel like she was distant with her parents, like it was hard to talk to them or something.

In reality, that started well before they lost Connor.

In a way, she wonders if this scavenger hunt is helping her repair those relationships. Like she came home and was excited to tell them about where they went that day or what they had done, and it was a normal family conversation. One that doesn’t feel forced or is filled with tension, which makes Zoe excited. Because she can’t remember the last time she had a conversation like this with her parents.

Her dad had a work dinner that evening, promising that he’d be home as early as he could. It’s not that they weren’t used to his work dinners, but. It was the first one he was going to since Connor died, and in the back of Zoe’s mind she wonders if this is the beginning of him slipping further away from the family again. Like he did when Connor started getting bad years ago.

“It’s just us tonight. I was thinking Chinese food?” Cynthia smiles when Zoe sits herself down at the island after just getting home.

Zoe raises her eyebrows, hiding a smile. “You’re going to let me eat Chinese? What happened to healthy eating?”  
Cynthia rolls her eyes. “We deserve a cheat day every now and then,” She smirks, grabbing her phone and the menu, ordering the two of them dinner while Zoe listens to her, waiting until she’s off the phone so they can talk to each other.

“So, you and Evan went on another one of the adventures today?” Cynthia asks, busying herself in the kitchen.

Zoe nods, reaching forward and twirling a pen in her hands. “Today he sent us to A-la Mode.”

“The ice cream place?” Cynthia asks. Zoe nods. “I used to take you guys there for a treat when you were so little. I didn’t even know he remembered that place,” She smiles. And then looks like she’s going to cry.

Zoe sighs. “Apparently he and Evan used to go there a lot. Like when Connor was having a bad day or just needed to escape. I don’t know, he wrote about it in the note. I’ll get it for you to read in a minute,” She says, which her mom looks appreciative for.

“So, how many places do you have left?”  
  
“Just one,” Zoe sighs, and then pauses the conversation so her mom could get their food from the delivery man at the door. “He says it’s special to the two of us, like Evan and I will both know why we’re there,” She says, helping her mom dish out the soup.

Cynthia nods, walking around to go sit at the island with her daughter. “Well, as sad as it is that it’s coming to an end, at least he left a place that was special for both you and Evan for last.”

Zoe nods, letting the conversation stall for a moment while she tried desperately to gather her thoughts. “Is it weird that I don’t know how to feel about Connor now?” She asks, shoveling a forkful of rice into her mouth.

Cynthia furrows her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” Zoe sighs, setting her fork down. “I just… Connor and I were not left on good terms. I know you hate when I say it, but I’m pretty sure he hated me.” Zoe rolls her eyes when her mom frowns. “But now he’s left us this scavenger hunt and it just doesn’t seem like him, but it also makes me hate that I miss him as much as I do now. Because he did this and he didn’t apologize for anything before he left and I just… I don’t know.”

Cynthia pauses, reaching forward to take a sip of her wine. Zoe knows she’s gathering her thoughts. “I don’t think it’s wrong to be confused about how you feel about Connor now that you’re doing this with Evan.” She sighs. “I don’t think he hated you, but,” She says, smiling when Zoe goes to protest. “I do think he could’ve left you on better terms, and he should’ve apologized for everything that he did to you. You are allowed to be upset with him for that all while missing him and wishing he was still here.”

Zoe nods, like maybe it all makes a little more sense now that she’s talked it through with her mom. And while she knows she’s never going to get an apology from her brother — at least not one while he’s alive and they can talk things through — this kind of feels like an apology.

Like maybe this scavenger hunt is making up for lost time and apologizing in a way that Zoe doesn’t think Connor ever could or would had he still been alive.

—

For the first time in three days, Heidi is home for dinner.

She even made the food at home instead of ordering out, which alone feels like a treat to Evan. He hates that he’s not used to it, but he also understands that his mom is working a full-time job and going to classes, and she just didn’t have time to worry about him, too. He was old enough to take care of himself.

“Hey, there you are!” Heidi smiles when Evan walks in, dropping his bag and shoes by the front door as he walks back to the kitchen. “I saw your text, but figured you and Zoe were probably busy figuring out the next place so I didn’t text you back. How did it go?” She asks, Evan immediately diving in to help her with the vegetables while she pulls the chicken out of the oven.

“It was good,” He says, which. Isn’t a lie. “We um, we went to A-la Mode.”

Heidi raises her eyebrows. “He really liked that place, didn’t he? I feel like you and him went there a lot.”

Evan nods. “He um, he said in his note that it meant a lot I would go there with him. Like when he was um, when he was having a bad day? He said it… it meant a lot to him.”

Heidi smiles, carrying things over to the table and sitting down with Evan, dishing out both of their dinners. “Well, that was nice. A little nice gesture as a way to say thank you,” She smiles. But it feels odd to Evan, like maybe he shouldn’t be going there anymore since it meant so much to he and Connor except now Connor wasn’t here anymore.

There’s a few moments of silence, one where the two of them have started eating their dinner and Evan feels like maybe he should say something. Get his feelings off his chest, let his mom know how he’s feeling. She always seems like she knows what to say to him to make him feel better, anyway.

“I miss Connor more than I thought I would,” Evan says quietly, pushing his peas around his plate. He can feel his mom looking at him. “I um, I’ve always missed him. But. I miss him a lot.”

“It’s okay to miss him, Evan,” Heidi says quietly, reaching out to rest her hand against his. “You two were best friends, and had been for a very long time. It’s normal to miss someone when they pass away and you were that close.”

Evan nods, but it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like it’s enough, like that was the answer he needed to know that it was okay to feel the way that he did. “I just… I feel like maybe there was something that I could’ve done to um, to not have this happen.”

Heidi sets her fork down on her plate, resting her hands on Evan’s. “Evan, you cannot blame yourself for this,” She says. Carefully and slowly, like speaking differently will make Evan understand that.

“As much as you wish you could’ve saved Connor, or as much as you with that you could’ve stopped him from doing this or talked him out of it, there was nothing that you could’ve done. Nothing. I can promise you that.”

Evan nods. And then sighs. “I just… what if there was?”

“There wasn’t,” Heidi says again. Exaggerating her point. “Connor would not want you to blame yourself. He wouldn’t want you to feel like this was your fault, okay? Because no matter what you look back on and think you could do differently, it’s not going to change things. And I know you think you could’ve saved Connor, trust me there are days where I wonder if _I_ could’ve done anything, but we couldn’t. Connor made this choice, and nothing was going to change that.”

Evan nods, and then uses the heels of his hand to rub at his eyes, forcing the tears away. “I know um, I know I didn’t know anything.”

“You didn’t,” Heidi whispers, moving to the chair next to Evan. “Connor wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up over this, okay? He wouldn’t blame you for not helping him. You stayed his friend throughout everything, and I think it’s very clear that that meant a lot to him. That you meant a lot to him. More than anything else did,” She promises. And then promptly pulls Evan into her chest, letting him cry until he feels like he’s going to throw up, which is when he pulls away and forces himself to calm down.

Heidi gives him a small smile, but it’s obvious that she’s upset too, which really only makes Evan want to cry more. “I’m so sorry that you lost Connor, Evan. I’m sorry that this is all happening and there’s nothing I can do or say to bring him back or make this better,” She says, wiping away some tears that are still falling from her son’s eyes. “But it’s going to be okay. We’re going to get through this together, and you will feel better than you do right now. That’s all Connor would want.”

Evan nods, letting himself calm down as their dinner is long forgotten about on the table in front of them.

The truth is, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever get to the point where he’s not missing Connor. He doesn’t know if he’ll wake up one morning and want to start texting him only to remember that he’s gone, that he won’t answer. But he does know that Connor would want him to try to move on, and so he thinks he could at least put some effort in, even when the ache of losing his best friend is still all too fresh in his mind.

Like maybe one day it’ll be okay, but for now he’s going to let it hurt. He’s going to let himself cry and laugh and be mad or annoyed with this scavenger hunt. But he’s also going to let himself remember all the good times he had with Connor, even when things weren’t so great in Connor’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title of chapter from The Way We Were by Babra Streisand
> 
> okay so this clue was far too obvious haha but! i think this one is a little better even though you guys can probably still figure it out.
> 
> thank you for reading/leaving kudos/comments! :)
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr if you'd like: for-f0rever.tumblr.com
> 
> the last chapter will be on friday! :)


	5. Somewhere only we know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Time doesn’t heal all wounds, only distance can lessen the sting of them.” - Shannon L. Alder
> 
> “That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it’s reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again, that shocking.” - Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

Zoe wakes up early that Saturday morning and is immediately dreading the rest of the day.

It’s not that she’s dreading going on the adventure, because she’s not. She’s genuinely enjoyed doing this with Evan, even despite the circumstances. If anything, she’s dreading that it’s the end, because after today there will be no more adventures for she and Evan to go on, which also means no more last minute memories of Connor that were good things.  
Soon all they’re going to be left with is what they have of Connor in their minds and these five destinations that have somehow made them feel a little better about things, if not a little confused.

She takes her time getting ready that morning, for reasons she doesn’t know why. Maybe it’s to drag this out, to make it take longer for them to reach their final destination. Or maybe it’s because she knows that she’s probably going to cry today, and so she wants to drag that out. Because crying over her brother isn’t something she’s wanted to do since she found out he died, and she hates that she thinks she’s going to start now.

She eventually texts Evan just before noon, letting him know that she’d leave in a few minutes. She walks downstairs and sighs when her mom smiles at her, handing her a bag. “I packed a few snacks for you and Evan. I don’t know how long you two will be or where you’re going, but I figured you’d like them,” She smiles, and Zoe thanks her quietly.

“I’ll text you when I’m getting ready to drop Evan off. But it’ll probably be a while since it’s our last one,” She says quietly. And then glances at her father, who’s sitting at the table reading the paper like his daughter isn’t even talking.

“That’s fine, sweetheart,” Cynthia encourages, watching her daughter pull her shoes on. Zoe stands up, hugs her mom quickly, and then looks back to her dad.

“Be careful, okay?” Larry says, almost as if he’s expecting Connor to like, send them somewhere dangerous for their last adventure.

Zoe rolls her eyes but nods anyway, walking over to hug her dad goodbye before she’s grabbing the bag of food and walking out to the car, the map and final letter sitting on the passenger seat.

Evan’s waiting outside when she pulls up, Heidi waving goodbye from the partly cracked front door as Zoe backs out of the driveway. “You ready?” She asks Evan, who’s already opening up the map again along with the previous letter, trying to decide where he’s sending them this time.

“I-I guess,” He shrugs, glancing between the letter and the map, moving closer again. “I’m kind of um, sad it’s the last one.”

Zoe nods, stopping at a red light and glancing over at the map. “Do you have any idea where this place is? Because if I’m driving in the wrong direction I need to turn around,” She smiles. “I mean, we probably should’ve looked before we left, but that’s also not as fun.”

Evan smiles, looking back at the map before looking back up at Zoe. “I um, I don’t think I’m right,” He says quietly, shaking his head. “B-but I think… I think he circled the orchard.”

Zoe chokes on air, pulling into the parking lot of a McDonald’s so she can look at the map. Evan watches as she studies it for a moment, the color draining from her face.

“No, this is definitely the orchard circled,” She nods. And then takes a deep breath.

She doesn’t talk about the orchard at all anymore. Not since it was where Connor was found lifeless underneath a tree, a bottle of pills in his hand. He had taken them, overdosed, and then later died at the hospital.

And so the one place she had good memories with Connor had turned into a place with bad memories, because her brother took his life under a large tree of their childhood picnic place, and she doesn’t know how she’d ever set foot there again without picturing Connor there, lifeless and dying.

“I um, I don’t know why he would be sending us there,” Evan says quietly. He seems fearful, too. Like they’re both going to find something there they don’t want to see, or maybe all they’d be able to think about when they go there is Connor, who chose the last place he’d ever see to be the orchard on the other side of town that the three of them had been to hundreds of times.

But Zoe has chosen to believe that Connor wouldn’t send them to a place to find some horror scene, not after the last few weeks and all the adventures that had been happy memories. Connor may not have been a good person towards the end, but she can’t see him being this malicious.

“I don’t either,” She whispers, situating herself in her seat better. “But, I don’t think he’d send us to somewhere awful. So, if you’re ready, we’ll go.” She turns her attention to Evan. And desperately tries to convince herself that she’s ready to go.

Evan sighs, fiddling with his sweatshirt. And then nods. “I um, I’m ready,” He nods. Neither sound convincing, but they get ready to go anyway.

The rest of the drive is silent, neither of them able to think of anything to say that would make this any better. Zoe feels like they’re getting there faster than she’s ever gotten there before, and as she pulls into the parking lot and finds a spot, she’s not surprised when neither of them make any advances to get out of the car and get to the final spot.

“So, do you remember the oak tree that we used to go to and have picnics together with our moms?” Zoe asks after a moment, pulling the key out of the ignition and resting it in her lap.

Evan nods.

“I think that’s probably where he’s sending us. Because it’s the only place the three of us would’ve been at together.”

Evan sighs. “Isn’t that um, where he was?” He asks. Zoe knows what he means.

She squeezes her eyes shut, balls her hand into a fist. And nods quickly. “It was. But.” She pauses. Unsure of what to say. “I think we should at least try there. Unless you feel like you can’t.”

“N-No, I can,” Evan nods. And then turns to Zoe. “Do you um, do you think you’ll be okay?”

“I don’t know,” Zoe whispers after a moment, sighing. “But I do know that we’ve come this far, and I don’t want to leave this last task undone. So. Let’s do it,” She nods, and Evan nods back, the two of them getting out of the car.

Evan’s holding the three notes in his hands, the two from the glove compartment that are addressed to the two of them and the one that has gone along with all of the destinations. They walk up the hill and around the people out at the orchard for a normal family day for the weekend, in search of the one tree that seemed harmless to everyone else, but meant a lot to them.

They reach the tree and stand there for a moment, taking it all in. Evan’s fairly sure they look ridiculous, but as they walk around the base of the tree and Zoe starts crying, he feels like people are staring even more than they already might have been.

“He fucking carved his initials into the tree,” She says, laughing through her tears as she pulls her phone from her back pocket. She snaps a photo, smiling when Evan moves to stand beside her.

It’s hard for both Evan and Zoe to think about what Connor might have looked like when he was sitting here dying. They know he was practically dead when he was found, so they were almost positive he looked awful. But they also try not to think about it too much, because just feet from the base of this tree, where the grass is overgrown and the roots carve out this perfectly flat space is where they spent a lot of their childhood having picnics in the summer months when they were out of school.

The three of them would eat with both of their moms, and then run around collecting flowers or picking up apples that had fallen from the apple trees just in front of them. They would laugh for hours, and then end up walking back to the car exhausted and covered in dirt. Evan thinks they’re some of his best memories, and judging by the fact that they’re standing here again years later, he thinks Connor might have felt the same.

“Did you want to read the note he left for both of us? Then the ones he left for us individually,” Zoe says, walking over to the grassy area where they used to lay out a blanket. She sits down and so Evan follows suit, pulling the note that’s addressed for the final destination and opening it up for the two of them to start reading together.

_I should probably apologize first for this final destination. I’m writing this just before I leave to go there myself. I know that it’s not going to be exciting to go back to this place now, but hopefully it brings you closure._

_When I think of the orchard, I think of the picnics that we had there together, all the adventures that we went on with each other when we were younger here. We made up the most ridiculous games, but we always laughed. I think it was pretty obvious that this was one of the places that made me the happiest, and that never changed when we got older._

_This serves as my suicide note, I guess. I guess in a way all these little notes do. They all did. And I’m sorry that this is how it’s going to end and I’m sorry that I didn’t talk to you guys or tell you anything, but I didn’t want you guys to stop me. I didn’t want you to try to change my mind because I know in my heart this is what I need to do so you guys can be happy and I can be happy._

_I want this place to bring you peace. I want you guys to be able to come here and think about all the good memories that we shared together here. Don’t avoid the orchard just because of this incident. I’m sorry. I know that’s ironic that I should tell you to have this place bring you peace when I probably died there, but I just don’t want you to avoid a place that made us so happy._

_I hope when you think of this scavenger hunt or you think of the places I sent you, you can remember the good times that we had together. I hope that you don’t think about my death, but you think about all the memories._

_I know one day we’ll see each other again. But for now, this is the end. Thank you guys for being the best that you could be. I’m sorry that I did this, but please don’t blame yourself. You didn’t do anything to make me want to die._

_Your brother and best friend,_

_Connor Murphy_

Zoe sniffles, and Evan can’t look up. He knows she’s crying, but judging by the way his own eyes are blurring and his throat feels like it’s closing, he knows he’s about to cry too.

“Is it bad that I want to hate him?” Zoe asks. And then laughs at herself. “He literally sent us here knowing he was going to kill himself here, and now he wants us to be able to find peace here?”

Evan nods. And coughs, trying to push the tears away. “I um, I know,” He mumbles, and then lets the tears fall. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to feel. In so many ways he wants to be anywhere but feet from where Connor killed himself, but at the same time he can’t bring himself to leave. He doesn’t _want_ to leave, no matter how much he tells himself he does.

“Okay, should we read the letters to us individually? We don’t have to share them,” Zoe says. Evan nods, handing her the envelope with her name on it as he holds his, taking a moment to calm down before he opens it.

_Evan,_

_I don’t really know what to say in this. You know you were my best friend, but you felt like so much more than that. You were the only person that never left my side when I started getting bad. You were so patient, so understanding. You wanted to help me, even when I yelled at you and pushed you away. Even when I told you to stop talking to me, to just let me be and that I didn’t want help._

_I’ve thought a lot about how you’re going to take me dying. Maybe it’s conceited to think that you’ll even care, but I hope that you do. I just… I don’t know if anyone will. But if you do, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you that I was feeling bad. I promised I would tell you, I know. But I couldn’t. Not when I knew that you were going through a rough time. I didn't want to burden you._

_As hard as it’s going to be, I want you to move on. I want you to be happy. Make new friends, fall in love, continue with your life. I know you can do it, trust me I do. I just… I knew that I couldn't be there for it, or I would’ve ruined it._

_You were so much more than a friend to me, but you already know that. And I know that nothing I say in this letter will probably make this any better. I just hope that you at least had some fun on these adventures. That you smiled and remembered all the good times that we had together, even when most things that you’ll probably remember are not good memories._

_I hope you and Zoe can stay friends after all of this. I hope that you can smile, I hope that you two can talk through things and heal as friends now, reconnected. I love you. I’m sorry for putting you through this._

_I know you’re going to have a happy life without me. I know you’re going to have a million dreams come true, I know that you’re going to be fine. Just don’t forget about me._

_Thank you for always sticking by me. Thank you for being my best friend. You were one of the only good things in my life, Evan. This was not your fault._

_Love,_

_Connor_

Evan takes a deep breath, leaning back in the grass and staring up at the long branches that hang over them. For a moment he feels like throwing the letter into the wind. But instead he grasps it to his chest, holding it as close as possible. And takes a deep breath.

Connor’s words run through his mind, but he knows they’re all true. That somehow he’ll be okay, somehow it won’t feel like this for the rest of his life.

—

Zoe watches Evan begin to read his letter, trying to convince herself that she can do it too. That it’ll be fine. She want to know what her brother has to say, but she’s fearful about reading this letter because she doesn’t know what to expect.

It also means that by reading this the adventure is officially over, and now she has to go back to struggling with how she wants to remember her brother, which is the exact thing she had been avoiding for weeks.

With shaky hands Zoe opens the envelope, unfolding the letter and beginning to read.

_Zoe,_

_First off, writing this letter feels a little weird. You know that this isn’t easy for me to write, just like it’s probably not easy for you to read. But I know I need to, and if it doesn’t help you feel any closure, I hope you can at least understand where I’m coming from._

_I’ve been an awful brother to you the last few years, and I'm sorry for that. There’s so many things that I did to you that I shouldn't have, but I couldn’t help it. It’s not an excuse, I just don’t know what else to say to you, you know? There’s nothing I can do now that will ever fix or excuse everything that I did to you._

_I shouldn’t have threatened to kill you. I know this is useless now, but I would have never actually done it. I know you probably don’t believe that because I chased you up the steps and pounded on your door and I’m sure you feared for your life, but I really wouldn’t have done anything. I couldn’t have. You are my little sister._

_I’m sorry that I let the way we used to be, how close we used to be, slip away. I’m sorry that it was me that ruined everything, and that I never did anything to fix it. You shouldn’t blame yourself for anything that happened between us, because you didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t your fault. Please don’t blame yourself._

_I hope that you’re happier now that I’m gone. I know you’re going to do amazing things, but you don’t need to worry about me ruining things now. I just want you to be happy, and I know that me being out of your life is exactly what you need. You’ll be happier now, you won’t have to worry about me ruining things like I have so many times before._

_I really do hope that you can come here and feel okay. I hope that you and Mom and Dad can come have picnics here again if you want, and you won’t have to worry about me ruining it. I want you to be happy, and without me I know that can happen._

_Thank you for being the best sister that you could be for so long. Much longer than anyone expected you to. I’m sorry I ruined our relationship._

_I love you._

_Connor._

Zoe doesn't know how to feel about the letter she just read. She wants to scream, break down, rip up the letter and forget that she even received it from her brother. But in the same way she hates it, she loves it all the same. Because it’s everything that she always wanted to hear from Connor, and even though it doesn’t mean the same as it would’ve if he were still here and saying it all in person, it’s something.

And she doesn’t want to let that go.  
She and Evan sit in silence for a while, Zoe watching the families pick apples and have a good time, Evan laying in the grass staring up at the branches. Neither of them say anything, but they also don’t feel like they need to. Zoe knows anything she says won’t sound right right now, and also she’ll probably just start crying.  
She doesn’t realize that Evan feels the same way.

They sit for a while, admiring the spot. Taking in the moments, remembering back to when times were simpler and Connor was still with them. And then Evan sits up.

“Do you um, do you think we should leave? It’s probably going to… to close soon,” Evan stutters out, and reluctantly Zoe nods.

She isn’t sure she wants to leave, but she grabs her things and stands up, taking one look at the tree again, etching the little mark Connor had left into her brain. She doesn’t think it’s going to be her last time here, but right now she doesn’t know when she’ll have the strength to be back.

Evan does the same as Zoe, following her back to the car and slipping into the passenger seat. The map, which is no longer needed, is folded neatly and placed in the glove compartment at Zoe’s request. “I just can’t look at it right now. Maybe soon I’ll pull it out. But for now it’s good there,” Zoe explains, and Evan nods in understanding.

She plugs in her phone like always, music playing quietly through the speakers as they begin their drive home. It’s different this time, knowing that it’s the end and they don’t have anymore adventures to look forward to. This is it, and Zoe doesn’t know how they just go on after this, with no more answers and no more reasons to hang out.

“Thank you for doing this with me,” She finally says, coming to a stop at a red light just down the street from Evan’s house. “I know it was addressed to both of us and he wanted us to do it together, but it was nice. Made me feel a little better not having to do it alone.” She smiles.

Evan smiles in return, nodding. “I wish um, I wish we had more?” He says, looking over at Zoe. “I know it was going to end, but um, I don’t know. I just wish it wasn’t.”

“I know,” Zoe mumbles, like she may be trying to stop herself from crying. “But we can still hang out, right? I mean, whenever you want.”

Evan nods quickly, maybe too enthusiastically, and then smiles at Zoe. She pulls into his driveway, shifting the car into park and looking over at him.

She’s hugging him over the console before he has a chance to stop her, but he doesn’t mind. It feels right, like this is where they’re supposed to be right now and it’s exactly what they both need. “I’ll talk to you soon. We can hang out or something. Away from this map and scavenger hunt,” She smiles, and Evan immediately nods.

He stands on his front porch until Zoe’s pulled away, waving to her until she disappears down the road.

His mom smiles when he walks in, and then frowns when he notices that she doesn’t look as happy as she thought he was going to. “You okay?” She asks, but Evan only shrugs. “Sweetheart, what is it?”

Evan shakes his head, trying to form some sort of sentence that makes sense. “Do you um, do you think I could go to the cemetery right now? Just for a few minutes,” He asks.

Heidi’s face softens. Her frown turns into a soft smile. And she reaches out to take his hands. “Of course. I’ll drive you, let me just get my purse.”

Evan’s always been grateful that his mom rarely asks questions. She doesn’t think twice about driving him, doesn’t ask why he suddenly wants to go to the cemetery after weeks of telling his mom that he wasn’t ready, that he couldn’t face the fact that his best friend had died and was buried.

The ride is quiet, his mom turns on the radio to cut the silence in the car, but she doesn’t say much. Not until she pulls into the cemetery, stopping just by where Connor is buried.

“Do you want me to come, or do you want some time alone?” She asks, but she thinks she already knows the answer.

“Some time alone,” Evan mumbles, taking a deep breath and unbuckling his seatbelt as he forces himself out of the car. His mom smiles at him, but grabs her phone from the cupholder in an effort to waste some time and not just stare at her son, which Evan is grateful for.

He walks through the rows of headstones, stopping just in front of Connor’s and taking a deep breath. He feels silly, but also knows this is exactly what he needs to begin healing, to begin moving on and continuing to feel okay about all of this.

“Hey,” He says quietly, bending over to run his fingers over the newly installed granite headstone. “Sorry um, sorry I haven’t come and visited.”

He pauses, almost as if he’s waiting for an answer back. But the wind blows and the trees rustle above him, and he knows he’s not getting anything in return. “I just… thank you. For um, for this scavenger hunt. I know it didn’t bring you back and um, it didn’t really make things better. But it was something. And I feel… I feel a little better knowing that um, knowing that you still cared.”

“I know you um, you say that it wasn’t my fault. And I know that. But sometimes… sometimes I wonder what I could’ve done. And I’m sorry that… that I didn’t notice.” He pauses. Takes a shaky breath. And uses the heel of his hand to wipe tears away. “I miss you, Connor. I’m not… I’m not ever going to stop missing you.”

He waits a moment, staring at the headstone until the writing blurs in front of him and he doesn’t really know what else to say. “I’m going to… to try and visit more,” He mumbles. “I think it’ll be good for me.” He’s trying to convince himself, but it’s working.

“I love you, Connor. Thank you. For all of this. I’m just… I’m sorry that I couldn’t save you.”

He presses a kiss to his fingertips, leaving them to rest on the granite for a few seconds before turning and walking away.

He gets back to the car, sits down, and looks at his mom. She smiles, reaching over and taking his hand in hers. “It’s okay to cry, sweetheart,” She reminds him, and it’s like the floodgates open, Evan crying again as he struggles to catch his breath.

He doesn’t know when he’ll start feeling better. When things will feel okay again, or if the gaping hole in his chest that Connor once filled will ever close, or even lessen. But he knows that it’s okay to talk to people about it, to have good days and bad days, and to understand that things are going to be okay.

He’s never going to stop missing his best friend, the one person who understood him better than he understood himself. But he knows with time it’ll be okay, and that’s what keeps him going. One day he’ll be able to smile and think about the happy memories. One day he’ll be able to look up at the bright blue sky and be thankful that he’s alive, that he’s still here and things are okay. He knows he’ll get to that point, but it’s going to take time and work. And he thinks he can do that. If people give him time, he can get there.

If not for himself, for Connor.

—

Zoe feels numb when she gets home.  
There’s a note on the counter from her mom that her parents are at the neighbor’s for a few hours. Her phone has gone off a few times, texts from her parents letting her know they’d be home soon, a few from friends asking if she wants to go out that night.

She doesn’t. Not that night at least. So she leaves them on read and prays that they don’t get mad at her, because right now she isn’t in the right frame of mind to talk to anyone. She just. Wants to read her brother’s note to her over again and think about him. And nothing else.

She lays in her bed for a while, the door locked and the only light on being on her desk. She stares at the ceiling for a while, a small cluster of glow in the dark stars left from when she and Connor stuck them up there when she was 5 and still scared of the dark, and Connor, being 6 and very much _not_ scared, wanted to help her feel better.

That was a good day, she remembers. Those were good times. And that’s what she should remember.

“You know, when you died, I told myself I wasn’t going to miss you. Because you weren’t a nice person. You weren’t good to me the last few years, and how would I miss someone who made my life a living hell?” Zoe says out loud, to no one in particular. The letter is resting against her chest, her tears marks splattered around after reading it countless amount of times since she’s been home.

“But this scavenger hunt, these moments with Evan. They made me remember how many good times you and I had. How happy we were when we were little. Which I guess was your point, wasn’t it?” She laughs, shaking her head. “I mean, I still hate how we were the last few years. But it was nice to remember that you weren’t always a completely psycho dick.”

She pauses, her fingers resting against the letter that she hated but never wants to let go of. “I know you weren’t a great person, but there were moments where you were a really great brother. And maybe that’s what scares me the most. That I don’t know how I’m just supposed to keep living as an only child. Because even though you sucked, some nights I wish I could come into your room like we had a normal relationship and we could talk about things. That’s what I'm going to miss the most.”

She sighs, trying to find the right words to say to make her feel like she has any closure. Which. She doesn’t know if that’ll ever happen. “I don’t know how I’m going to think about you and only remember the good times, because the bad times took over and now they’re all I think about,” She confesses. And immediately feels bad for it. “But this helped, Connor. And I didn’t know how much I needed it. Or how much I would like it.”

“Even though I say I don’t miss you and I never will. I do. I do a lot. And I’m always going to. But I’ll find a way to keep the good memories of you from when we were little, and maybe even try to forgive you for all the bad memories you left me with.”

Zoe sits up, folding the letter in her lap and holding it in both of her hands. For her, it was like a chapter of her life was closing. Her brother, her fierce protector when she was little, the one that used to be able to make her laugh, had turned into a monster. And then he died. And only left this scavenger hunt behind.

As much as she wants to be mad at him, as much as she wants to hate him and hate that the only thing he left was this scavenger hunt and so many unanswered questions, she can’t. Because Connor was her older brother, and although she hated him for a lot of things, she can’t hate him for this.

She knows she’ll never understand how Connor felt. She’ll never be in his brain, never get his reasoning for why he felt like he needed to die for things to get better. She’ll never be able to talk to him again, to try and fix things and make it better for both of them.

And maybe there would be a day where she wouldn’t constantly think about those moments where he threatened to kill her. Maybe she’d wake up one day, look at her door and not picture Connor banging on it. Calling her a freak and yelling at her that she’s ruining his life and he wanted to kill her. But for now they’re still there, etched in her brain like someone had engraved them, and she doesn’t expect them to just go away instantly, or even anytime soon.

But along with the bad memories, she has the good memories as well. The ones of them going on adventures together, the ones where they weren’t fighting, but they were making up games and smiling. And maybe they’d be hard to remember, but Zoe was going to try her hardest.

At the end of the day she loved Connor more than she would ever care to admit, and while the ache in her chest and the hole that’s left behind from losing her only sibling, no matter how awful their relationship was at the end, will never be filled, Zoe knows it’s going to be okay.

She has faith that it will all be okay, because Connor left her these little pieces, and that’s what she needs to begin healing.

What they all need to begin healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title of the chapter is from the song by Keane.
> 
> so we've reached the end! like i said, this was definitely very ooc as far as Connor's perspective, but! i still hope you enjoyed it :) thank you for leaving comments/kudos/just reading it in general :)
> 
> my hope is to start posting a new full fic next week, but i'm still fiddling around with it and so as long as i can get away from my own thoughts and negativity about how i think it's written, it'll be posted if you'd like to read!
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr if you'd like! i'm fully up for little headcanons or anything about any deh stuff i've written. maybe little blurbs will help me get over the unsure part of me about the new fic :) for-f0rever.tumblr.com 
> 
> thank you for reading! <3

**Author's Note:**

> i was sparked with this inspiration after reading All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven, but also some inspiration comes from Since You've Been gone by Morgan Matson :) if you haven't read them you should! sorry if this story kind of ruins them haha. 
> 
> this for the most part is wildly out of character for connor's part at least, because musical connor never would've done this, but he also wasn't friends with Evan anyway haha
> 
> it's just going to be a quick 5 chapter fic (i say quick, but chapters are long haha), but hopefully you guys enjoy it! :) right now my aim is to upload every other day instead of tuesday/friday!
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com


End file.
